Should've Been Me

1

Life was hell.

I woke up each day aching to be left alone, wishing I didn't have to go to school, the place where I was just a socially-akward thirteen year old.

I remember back in year nine, my friends and I had this overwhelmingly immature crush on a transfer student. Those six weeks that the boy whose name I can't even remember now stayed in our school, was the most interesting six weeks of my young life, it marked a turning point in my teenage soul.
It was during these six weeks that I felt what it was like to be comfortably surrounded by people you love, I felt what it was like to be young and innocent, felt what it was like to feel your heart swell with happiness and joy. I felt full.

I still remember how my three best friends and I stalked the poor boy through out the school, following him, oogling after him, teasing ourselves silly and daring each other to go talk to him. It was funny because neither of us actually said more than a few words to him throughout the time he was there and if he was going to look at any girl it surely wouldn't be one of us. In the end, it wasn't really about the cute boy or the butterflies in my tummy whenever he was around, it was about us, just four of us, best friends.

Those were the best times. The best part of secondary school at Saint Louis'. Things got worse for me when we became seniors. I suddenly was forced to leave my childish life behind and be roughly thrused into a world of adolescence. I was plunged into a world were all the girls cared about were boys, a world were gossip about the popular girls and boys flew everywhere yet none of them were about me. It was either you grow up or get stuck behind.

On the first day of senior high, the full reality hit me. I saw my friends in their pretty tight short uniform skirts that they had obviously modified to suit them. My skirt hung loosely around my chubby hips because my mum had refused to let me properly adjust them. I began resent her then.
The reaction of one of the boys that sunny September morning absolutely ruined my day. Here was a boy who still had on the junior uniform because he didn't have the new one yet. When he saw me in my baggy uniform he exclaimed. Oh, I don't remember what he said but it got to me. It stung.
The day only got worse from there. I was more self-conscious which was one thing I didn't need. I watched my long time best friend walk in. She had recently lost a lot of weight and her tight skirt fit so prettily on her slim hips. I began to resent her too.

Jealousy is one of the worst feelings there are. It eats you up so bad then spits your shriveled heart back up, leaving you a bitter version of yourself.

From there it only got worse for me. I was so painfully shy and had practically no self-esteem that I couldn't talk to boys. I honestly couldn't say a word to them.  It was rather convenient for me that I only offered the same subjects with girls and three guys who were thankfully not threatening.
My only remaining best friend- as one of them was in another department and drifted away from us, and the other got a new friend- drifted away from me. She became a boarder so she automatically became cool. She was in on all the school's gossip, boys started to flirt with her, something they never did with me, the geeky fat girl in glasses. Who could blame them though. She was much closer to the other boarder girls and this left me all alone. Have you ever felt like there's one last thread, one last link that's keeping you sane?

I knew I couldn't bare it anymore. I definitely could not go through another term with so much sadness and suicidal bitterness inside me. That's why at the end of the second term, when my dad decided to transfer me to my sister's secondary school, although I was scared, I didn't resist.

I thought it would be easier for me.

It wasn't...not at first.