Forgetting to Remember

Fall

The outside crinkles patiently in the brisk wind as crisp, warm leaves wait to be stepped on. The ground is cover in shades that illuminate the walkway like fire. Its fall but more than just the leaves are changing. Nick sits next to me in front of our lockers. There’s a window directly across from us that opens into the courtyard as I watch one pale yellow leaf drift hurriedly in dizzy circles. It’s after school and everyone has left except us. Rehearsal went a little later than usual with the show coming up and all. Nick had stayed to help me paint sets after we were dismissed, which was cute, in a cliché sort of way. But we were past the giddy joking paint wars that had long been cleaned up.

I sat next to him wanting to tear myself apart.

“I don’t know Nick, I couldn’t do that to him.” I can’t even bare to say his name, for fear he would hear, and for fear I would break down. Missing him hurt more than not having him at all, especially on days like these. Nick forced me to wonder what it would be like to not have to be together and still be alone. 

“I don’t want you to feel like this.” He seems genuinely sad, but a little too hopeful. He pops the end of a cherry in his mouth, pulling on the stem. It was the common snack for him, supposedly because he claimed it was the only healthy thing that actually tasted good. It made me want to smile, but I’m still sad. Perhaps because I know he knows. Nick knows how I’m struggling for anyone who would just stay. Every time I had begged him not to leave me, it wasn’t in a dating sense; I had wanted Aaron to physically stay. 

Even in my head, his name made my throat dry. He had been my everything. I went every day hiding how hurt and how tired I was. I didn’t want to be “together” and still be alone. With him away at college and all, every “I love you” that appeared on my phone only made me miss him more. It hurt and I am weak.

“I understand, Talia, believe me I do. I know you.” And part of it is true. He does know me. But he doesn’t understand. I could never fully understand. I was scared to fall into this friendship with him, but I had let myself. I needed someone to be open to. I needed someone to lean on. I had been broken long ago and couldn’t stand alone.

“Nick, you know I can’t do this.” 

He looks at his shoes as they brush against the floor, leaving little red scuff marks from the soles. I can’t do this. I can’t attempt to be anything more than what we are. I have a boyfriend. I can’t do this to Aaron. Would giving up on Aaron prove I was strong enough to move on or weak to give up in the first place? I plant my head in between my legs, trying to contain my headache, trying not to think.

We let ourselves sit there, saying nothing, until I can’t take it anymore.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking I could love you, if you would let me.”

I let out a sigh, my heart hurting. “I thought I knew what love was, but now you’re here and it’s not the same.” I think, feeling more empty and confused than ever.

“Who knows what love is anyway?”