Forgetting to Remember

Summer

It’s the hottest day of the year and sweat is dripping down my neck. It’s too hot for pool parties or beaches or social interactions. The heat is sweltering, spreading a contagious lethargic feeling.  We’re lying on the floor because it’s too hot to do anything else. The air conditioner is blasting above us, but we’re still dying in the heat of the day. Nick reaches to hold my hand and I can’t help smiling and rolling my eyes.

“What, you don’t want me to hold your hand? Fine, it’s sticky anyway.” He says sarcastically, shoving his hand in my face. I laugh rolling on my stomach and inch closer to him. I love laughing with him. It reminds me of how little I laugh with other people, and how easy it is. Nick makes being happy so easy. It’s all I wanted really; I just wanted to laugh.

“No, you don’t even want to hold my hand, much less be near me.” He rolls over so I’m forced to face his back, almost as if we were spooning, but it’s all backwards. It always seems to be pretty backwards and weird when it comes to us.

“Aw, come on!” He let’s me easily roll him back over and kiss him on his forehead. “I love you even when you are hot and sweaty.”

“And I love you too.” He spoke sincerely, but I couldn’t help but be nervous, as always. Things had changed too fast, and I was sure I had moved on too fast but I couldn’t stop it now. I couldn’t stop these continuous waves of emotions I kept feeling for Nicholas. Was it just hormones? Was it only for time to tell?

Doubts cluttered up in my mind at every possible moment and it made me want to scream. He’d never had a relationship like this. It’s exactly how I had felt with Aaron. I was so sure he was the one, but then in the end, I hadn’t been. He was my first. Every “I love you” from Nick reminded me of how I thought love was. It reminded me of who I thought love was. 

What was that feeling building up inside of me? Regret…?

“Don’t think about him.” Nick’s consistent ability to read my mind is so uncanny it was almost annoying. “I know you don’t think I’m sure but I am love, I know I love you.”

“I thought I knew what love was.” 

“Babe, I promise, you’ll always have me. I’m here.”

“But I know I’m annoying babe. What if I hurt you like I hurt him?” Aaron had made all the promises Nick kept making; they were promises I had made too. But now they were all broken and shattered on the floor. If I could love Aaron so deeply, so passionately, and then turn on all of that, how did I know I wouldn’t hurt Nick the same way? It constantly drove me crazy. If I’m not on the phone with Nick until I fall asleep, I find myself crying, because the thoughts are too powerful and I’m too alone. Nick will comfort me until two in the morning, soothing me through the phone as I have panic attack upon panic attack. He’ll squeeze my hand if he sees I’m upset and can’t help. He’ll never say anything that sounds condescending, like-well, like other guys I’ve known. 

“How do you put up with me?”

“I don’t put up with you. I love you, remember?” I try to roll myself over, trying to hide myself from him, feeling the blush glow in my cheeks, but he grabs me and brings me closer to him. It’s all I’ve really wanted. I’m curled up next to him, and I prop my head up with my arm to get a better look. His eyes turn bluer every time I fall into them. My bare toes brush against his feet and he stares at me with his big blue eyes.

“We all have baggage love.” I can’t force myself to look away from him as he speaks. “We all have baggage and we all have missing pieces. We just need to find someone to carry our baggage with us.”

“You know about my parents…and about Aaron.” I force the name out of my mouth, though it leaves a bitter taste. He knows everything, every thought I’ve ever had and every word I’ve ever doubted. He knows I’m scared and confused and he loves me through all of that? It’s always too hard for me to believe. “But I have so much more than that. I have all these dumb insecurities and I-“

“I’ve told you about my dad love.” He looked so serious, so different from his normal, goofy self. “I lost so much time with him. I want to make up time with you. I want to make you happy. I want to just be able to smile at you and for you to feel okay.”

I can’t find it in myself to speak. I never know what to say when he speaks about his dad. I just want to hug him until it’s all better. He said what I had wanted for him all along. I want to make him happy. I didn’t care about myself.

“Okay?”

“Okay.” I smile to myself as the words slipped from my lips. “I’ll be here for you Nicholas. Because I love you, even if you are a dork.”

And with that, he wraps me in a big, gross bear hug and refuses to let go.