The truth about love.

When I was younger maybe 13 or 14, I remember one of my dads drunken friends coming up to me at a party and scaring the piss out of me.
I don't remember his name per say. Everyone just called him bae.
I know he hadn't meant to startle me but I was young and out in the pitch black and not to be offensive but he was a very dark skinned man. With his eyes hung so low from drinking I didn't see him till he was right next to me stumbling to make it inside. I remember letting out a scream as he bumped by me and slamming my hand to my mouth in embarrassment. But he didn't seem to care. Heed been having a rough night and drank so much he probably wouldn't remember the encounter anyways. but I hadn't know at the time.
He apologized and continued walking along the gravel driveway. I remember watching him slowly disappear back into the darkness when he turned around to face me once again just barely visible. And he told me something I to this day still often think about.
"Never let anyone tell you how much you can or can not drink. Alcohol can't kill you. Not if your already dead inside."

"Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear tayyyy. Happy birthday to you." I can hear everyone singing the traditional birthday song through the front door. I know every one will question me about why I'm not in there to. Smiling and singing my merry little heart out for a 6 year old who will never even remember any of this.
I take a long drag of my cigarette deciding if I should just leave to avoid the hole scene all together.

Life used to be so much simpler when I was naive. I didn't care what I did. I didn't care who I hurt. I just wanted to have fun. Don't get me wrong I haven't changed. Just the way I think, and feel. I've grown so much and I understand people and the world on a level that I wish I didn't. The only way to feel, or not feel, anymore is to drown myself in a little liquid love.

"Hey baby. What's up." Ariel my older sister is the first one outside after the singing and clapping is done. At the age of twenty two she's three years older then me, has had three kids and owns her own house. But still only comes to my shoulders height wise. So in a way she's also my little sister.

I mix the red Cinamon jack fire in my hand watching every ripple to avoid droopy eyed eye contact. "Just thinking. Smoking a cigarette." I take another puff to prove a point I don't really have to make.

"You know dad don't like when you drink that shit with the kids around. Better hide it before he gets out here." She gives me her "I'm just sayin," face and takes a drink from her own cup. We don't share the same fathers but she still calls him dad. In fact we don't share the same mothers either. We're not related in any way possible but shes still my sister. I don't give a shit what anyone says. When I didn't have anyone she was the one there for me. When my mom and dad both decided partying and doing drugs was more important then me she took me in. I'm not genetically connected to her at all but I'm the family she choose. And to me that means a lot more then any kind of blood.

"Yeah I know. I'm gonna get out of here anyways. Things to do you know." I shrug my shoulders flicking the last of my cigaret towards the road. "I'm a very important person you know." I smile at her grimly before jumping over the railing landing on my hands and feet. I never stay to long so no one should even notice I'm gone.

"Na man. I saw you put that fucking ace in your pocket." I hear a slam of what I can only assume is a hand or drink of some kind and the sound of poker chips falling down. It doesn't take a brainiac to figure what there doing inside.

"I'm not a fucking cheater man. Stop getting mad because I won." I walk in to the apartment to see Shane, a tall, scrawny, short brown haired kid extending his arms across the table gathering what I can only assume are his winnings. He grins ear to ear laughing in victory. But Jarod, another tall brown haired boy slams his arms down on top of the pile forcing Shane to pull away.
"I saw you fucking do it. Stop bullshittin me dog. You shoved that fucking ace in your pocket. Admit it!" He repeats again pointing a blunt directly in his face. Adriana and Shantel giggle drunkenly to each other as the cherry continues growing closer and closer with every word.
The door slams shut behind me and suddenly all the attention is on me. Every one has stopped what they were doing to greet me with there judgmental eyes. "What." I glare setting my jack and bag on the wooden dinning room table they have made into a poker table before grabbing one of my normal cups and pouring myself a glass of the sailor Jerry's already sitting on the table. There both my bottles, to be embarrassingly honest just about every bottle that comes in or out of this place is mine. The cost starts to add up after a bit of buying it all on your own but I'd rather it all be mine so I don't have to hear about anyone bitching that I drank more of there booze then them. It's not my fault I have the tolerance of an ox and they have the tolerance of a small yapping dog. Half of them are twice my size to begin with.

"What have you been doing there beautiful." Adriana pulls her long curly blonde hair into a tight bun giving me her famously white smile. She's always saying flirty things with me and I honestly don't know if she likes me or not. She bi-sexual so I know there's a chance but I'm straight, (at least when I'm sober.) so I just flirt back. It's like a fun game to me. Flirting with any girl is like a game. I love flirting with them and kissing them, maybe grinding a bit, but never anything more. I don't think I could ever do the hole "vagina thing." All that skin is just gross. Blah. I feel sick just thinking about it.

I take my place at the wooden table and begin to swig my drink carelessly. Watching the drunken drama unfold slowly in front of me.
"Man. Stop. You can't accuse me of cheating every time!" Shane reaches across the table again to gather his chips. "Fuck you dude!" Jarod yells slamming his arms down once again. Shane's face turns sour as he clenches his teeth. "I did not cheat." In the middle of there arguing I grab the deck of cards and begin sorting them. "You cheat every time man. Why can't you just admit it. Your ass always gets caught cheating." "Why can't you just accept I whooped your ass." Both the boys are standing now bickering back and fourth in each other's faces.
A fight nearly breaks out when I slam my hand on the table gathering everyone's attention. "Five aces." I announce removing my hand from the pile of cards. The room is silent for the shortest moment before Jarod begins to jump up and down yelling, "ha!" Over and over. Shane roles his eyes yelling, "whatever man." Before exiting the room just as kyle comes in from some random part of the apartment.
"You just missed it." I inform him putting a hand on his back as a soft hello. "Trust me I didn't miss anything. As soon as I seen Shane shove that ace in his sleeve I put all my chips in the middle and went to take a shit to avoid the drama." He smirks at me thinking he is hilariously clever.
"That's how he fucking did it. The little cheeky bastard!" Jarod yells raising his glass.

Hours pass and everyone slowly drops. Kyle and Jarod fall asleep playing some zombie game on the couch and Shantel sleeps in the big bean bag located in the corner of the room. Whiskey, our fluffy husky wolf mix lays at her feet clearly to large to lay with her. And Adrianna is no where to be found. Typical for her. She's like me. She loves flirting with girls when she's drunk. Sometimes we both make it a game. Of course, she's a little more hardcore about it then I.

It's now five in the morning and I just can't sleep. I've been tossing and turning in my bed for a few hours now. Most nights are restless for me but drinking and smoking always helps. Tonight nothing seems to be able to calm my nerves.
I jump out of bed and begin re-dressing. It's obvious I won't get any sleep tonight.

With my bottle in one hand and a lit cigarette in the other I make my way down the winding bike path through Franklin nc.
This place has a special place in my heart, I've spent long nights, and even longer days riding my board and thinking. Mostly drinking but thinking to.