little blue suitcase ; e. dolan

3 : lola

ethan grant dolan

✿   august 14th 2017   ✿

+ 2:52 pm

the clock ticks at a torturous rate as i sit in the back of the classroom. the teacher's voice sounds as though it is being spoken under water, my thoughts trying their hardest to drown it out.

my eyes follow a fly in the room, watching it as it darts around the class. i don't want to draw too much attention to myself —despite the fact that i'm the sad, angry kid who's brother died— so my head stays still as i become engulfed in the stupid bug's movements.

it's so dumb. yet it's the only thing keeping me grounded.

there was always this burning sensation, that stretched right to my fingertips and down my spine to my shins, that was practically bursting at the seams.

as been previously shown, i find it difficult to keep it stitched in, taking my anger out on inanimate objects. i only hope that i never physically take it out on others. i know i have emotionally.

my dad especially. he seems to be the only one holding it together. holding this family together. my mum is a wreck. cameron isn't the same. she moved back in with us, telling us she's doing it to be there for mum, but she just doesn't want to be alone.

i've broken my father. he tries so hard, and i see that. i just cannot physically share my emotions to the man. it is beyond my social abilities.

so these thoughts stay locked in my mind, only to be freed onto the paper i write on to my brother.

i glance over to the side and notice the quick turn of lola's head as she pretends not to be looking.

lola was his girlfriend. he was madly in love with her. lola and i were good friends. obviously that's it. lola was nice, she respected me as her friend, not just her boyfriend's brother.

but when he left, she left too. she stopped coming by, stopped saying hi to my mum when they would see each other at the grocery store, stopped acting as if i was there, with feelings and rights.

things went stiff between us. it's probably because i remind her of him too much. but she reminds me of him too, and i wouldn't cut her out completely if she hadn't of done it first.

when the final bell finally rings, i lift myself from the desk and walk out as quickly as possible. i want to get out of this hellhole, i cant stand this place. i walk past the spot where the cabinet once was. it is now a blocked off, empty area.

"ethan, wait!" her voice calls me and i stop in my tracks. a sigh escapes my lips before i turn around. she hugs her books, her gaze on the floor as she slowly walks up to me.

"hi, lola." i say slowly, my eyes avoiding hers as i could now tell she was trying to make eye contact.

"hi, ethan. do you think i could come over?"

"why?"

"i would like to visit your mum, see how she's doing. there's also a couple things i need to grab from gray's room." the first thing was a lie. she doesn't care about our family. she just wants to snoop in his room.

"you aren't allowed to just walk into his room like it's your own. that was his place, and i don't care that the two of you fucked a few times in that room but it doesn't give you the right to take precious things out of it." i could feel my cheeks heating up as i grew more and more agitated.

"ethan, i'm sorry i haven't been around. it's hard for me too. i would like to see your family, and if it's okay with you, i would like to have a moment in grayson's room. not to do anything, just to be in there." she speaks calmly, she's growing afraid of me.

"stop saying his name like that." my voice comes out as a growl.

"like what?"

"like it means nothing, god dammit. you have no right to throw his name around like it has no worth." i slam my hand against the locker, causing her to jump slightly and others around us to turn and stare.

"that isn't my intention. he does have worth. he always has and always will. his name has more worth to me than anything. his unique name will always remind me of who he was, and that makes him special. he will always be special to me. but using his name in a sentence isn't going to change the fact that he's d-

i don't get to hear the rest of her sentence, and i don't want to. my legs take long strides as i nudge past people and push the front door open. i walk down the stairs quickly, wanting to get out of here as quickly as possible.

"ethan!"

"ethan, hold on!" i turn around, my nostrils flaring slightly and my fists in tight balls.

"i don't want to speak to you. you have no right to tell me your opinions on how you want to think about my brother."

"ethan, please" she begs, her eyes becoming glossy.

"stop! you don't get to say anything. you don't get to be in my house just for your benefit. you were his girlfriend, sure. but that gives you no authority."

"i loved him, ethan! that isn't fair that you get to tell me i can't discuss him."

"he's my brother, you're just a girl he hooked up with-

her hand raises up to my face, but i catch her wrist just in time. her arm is caught in my tight grip as her eyes try to figure me out.

"you don't get to touch me." i throw her hand down and she quickly holds it, rubbing her pink skin.

"please, ethan. try to understand that he had the same worth to me as he did to you. we're dealing with it in different ways, and if i can respect your way, you will be able let me go into his room." she speaks calmly as my eyes scan the concrete, trying to comprehend how i was going to deal with this girl.

"come on, let's go." i mumble deeply, turning around and walking to my car. 

✿

last chapter for two weeks. sEEYA