little blue suitcase ; e. dolan

9 : don't freak her out

ethan grant dolan

✿   august 22nd 2017   ✿

+ 1:09pm

"he had a rare kind. that's why he was in all those papers."

"how long did it last for?"

"almost two years."

i watch he as she flicks through the thin papers, her eyes looking from side to side as she reads. she sighs, her head hopelessly resting on her hand.

"i don't know how to feel right now."

"how have you been since my mum told you?" my hands play with one another. it's been a long time since i've sat down with someone and had a conversation, other than my dad. it feels weird.

"i don't know, lost. i guess i'm just still in shock." she says softly and i gently nod. it's strange talking about him. i'm just trying to ask as many questions as i can so she has no time to ask me any.

"i feel so terrible that i never came to visit. just to see him one more time." i notice that her eyes are getting glossy and i have to look away. i squint my eyes shut, trying to block the feeling i'm getting.

"ethan, i'm so sorry. i shouldn't have said anything like that." she says and i feel myself rock forwards and back ever so slightly, fighting to push memories away.

"ethan, oh my gosh, are you okay?"

"ethan, come here." he calls and i get up from my bed and walk into his bedroom.

"what's up?"

"come here, i wanna show you something." he's sitting in bed with his laptop on his lap, cameras and hard dives around him. i walk around and sit on the edge of the bed.

"alright, so, i wanna teach you how to back up these files. look," i watch him proceed to give me instructions and show me how to copy certain files onto the computer, compressing them and rendering them as such. it takes a few minutes before he's onto the next task.

"and here, when you have this drive, you do this."

"now watch, i'll show you how to put this filter through it."

"this ones easy, here look."

he goes fast in showing me all these computer things but i'm zoning out completely. i start to get angry, my fist clenching. he's showing me these things so i know what to do when he's 'gone'.

"grayson, stop."

"no, no, it's easy-

"grayson, stop." i say, this time louder. "i know what you're doing." i look at him and watch his eyes grow darker. he looks down, slowly closing the computer.

"ethan, you're my brother, and i love you, okay?" he pauses, "but we have to be realistic."

"grayson, don't."

"ethan, we have to be realistic." he speaks slower and i know he's trying not to make me angry. "i don't want you to be lost without me."

"i'm not going to be without you, grayson, b-because you're going to get better. just a few more rounds of chemo and y-you'll be fine." i feel myself start to panic, tears stinging my eyes.

"ethan, i'm not getting any better."

"y-yes you are. you will."

"i'm not getting any better."

"you will, grayson. we just have to keep going and hoping. i know you'll get better and i know we will go back to normal, we just gotta push through-

"i'm stopping my treatment."

i freeze. i feel stuck as i watch his eyes, hoping there's any sign of trickery or humour.

"what?" it barely comes out audible.

"it's too much for me, ethan. the doctors said i'm not making any progress. the chemo isn't strong enough. i'm not strong enough."

tears well in my eyes as i push myself off of the bed. my breathing thickens as my head spins, trying to comprehend what is happening.

"s-so that's it, you're just gonna give up?"

"no, that's not it."

"grayson, you can't just stop. it might make you feel bad now, but it's gonna help you in the long run. you're gonna get better, i know it." i speak before squinting my eyes and letting the tears seep through and down my cheek.

"i'm not giving up yet, ethan. i still have a bit of fight in me. i wanna make these months count and live now. chemo holds me back and makes me groggy." he stands up out of bed and holds onto my arms. "i'm not leaving yet. i'm just making life feel more pure."

"it's too soon, grayson." i whisper, knowing if i spoke louder, my voice would just break.

he pulls me in and i can't hold it anymore. i let myself cry, my chest heaving up and down.

"i'm not leaving. it's gonna be okay."

"ethan?" i'm knocked from my phase with a gasp. "are you okay? you're shaking."

i look down at my hands to see that they fail to keep still.

"u-um yeah, i'm fine." i say lowly with a small cough. "w-would you excuse me, i-i'll be right back."

"yeah, sure." she looks at me worriedly as i get up and rush to the bathroom. i grasp the sink with both hands, my breath quickening.

"come on, hold it in. she doesn't know you, don't freak her out." i tell myself, my hands still shaking against the cold basin.

"pull it together," i grasp my hair tight, "don't freak her out, don't freak her out, don't freak her-

"is everything alright in there, ethan?" i hear her voice from the other side of the door.

"just fine, i-i'm fine." i say before letting out a long breath. my muscles calm and i settle down, the voice telling me not to freak her out still ringing in my mind. i open the door to see her waiting for me.

"why don't we go and clear our heads? i know a place."