Inception

Chapter 4

         I awoke the next morning feeling worse. But I was alive and to live is the rarest thing in the world, most people just exist, that is all. But was I well? Oh hell no. They had me drugged to help with the pain. Every part of my body ached, the adrenaline had worn off leaving me exposed to the wounds. The pumping of medicine was the only thing that made me feel safe.

The doctors said I fainted from blood loss. It was difficult for me to do everything. I was stuck, trapped in the hospital. Obviously the decision I made was idiotic. I was prepared to die. But everything wasn’t exactly in my favour. I was lucky that Elian was there, using his shirt to help the bleeding.  It seemed all too horrible to remember. It seemed as if what I did would be something you’d see in movies, acted out, not real. But this, this, was 100% real. And it had happened to me.

Gauze was precariously wrapped around my wrist, a tangle of IVs and tubes coming from my arm. The room was spinning, my head was somewhere else, some place where I was normal, at peace. The air smelled heavily of rubbing alcohol and latex gloves. The stench burned my eyes, which I strained to stay open, the morphine weighing me down. The room was a blur, the only thing there a cabinet and a large armchair. It was cold, the only thing covering me was a thin cloth of the hospital gown and a fleece blanket. I wanted to sleep, to just lay there and die. Living was pointless to me, there was nothing left for me on this Earth.

Was it wrong that I thought I should die? Should it only be a phase? But that’s who I was, I was selfish, I cared about myself and only myself. But I felt like I didn’t matter, like I was just the background. My importance is defined by the things that are important to me. Maybe I was just as important as the things I found important. (I know you just got really confused by that).

I just had to recognize that in all respects, life is beautiful. It’s filled with ups and downs where we’re able to feel pain and happiness equally. But in my case, I had been feeling a lot more pain and hoped for a lot more happiness. I wished that this wouldn’t have happened, that maybe I could’ve been better. But life doesn’t give you what you want; not because we don’t deserve it, but because we deserve better.

         I had gathered enough strength to turn over and find Elian, fast asleep in the armchair, his shirt stained and crusted with my dried blood. His soft snores were calming, nearly lulling me to sleep. I wanted to reach over and touch his face but the inches that I could raise my arm were painful inches. My arms, my legs, my everything were weak. I felt helpless, almost like I couldn’t do anything about it. I examined my state staring at my skin, so pale, almost transparent. For the first time, I really was scared for my life.

         The peace didn’t last very long when it was concealed by a façade of beeps and buzzing. It drove me absolutely insane, more than I already was anyway. It was only a matter of time until I went totally crazy. But the only reason for time is so that everything doesn’t happen all at once.

         “Ms. Pierce?” I hear from the other side of the room. A nurse walked in, her scrubs the brightest pink I have ever seen. She was very thin and wore her hair so neatly in a twist that she looked like a model in magazines my mom would show me when I was younger.  I pushed the thought away, not wanting the hurt to hurt even more. I tried to speak, only letting out strange sounds that were hard for me to even understand.

         Elian had awoken from his slumber and spoke for me. “Yes this is her,” he says, his fingers barely grazing my arm. He looked me in the eye, his crying scene had come to a close. I stared back, through the slits of my eyes that were drugged just like the rest of me. He gave a slight smile, a forced smile I concluded.

         “Okay,” the nurse says. She seemed rushed, keeping this short and to the point. I heard Elian ask if I was well enough to return home. “She will be discharged in a few hours before the Ceremony but she’ll need to take some medication.” My eyes shot wide open. The Ceremony today? I was lost yet again, missing the most important things while staying in my isolated mind.