words

an unfortunate psa

this is a life update, not asking for pity, just gotta rant!

school just ended for me, as of june ninth two thousand seventeen.

yesterday, after sixth period, I walked up the stairs with my friends to see my crush and tell him something I've been meaning to tell him. of course, I was nervous. I haven't talked to him a lot –only three times regarding a class. and I clearly saw him, and instead of going through with I hesitantly decided, I let him walk away.

and so I went back downstairs, outside of school to wait for my mom to pick me up. and on the drive, I felt so disappointed. disappointed at myself because I chickened out, I got too shy and cowardly, scared at the mere idea of talking to someone I found incredibly beautiful.

I got home and said hi to my family, settling myself on the couch in the living room. and I swear I didn't mean to, but tears started to brim my eyes. and, oh lucky me, my older sister walked in and started to tease me about. thank you, future psychologist, who should know better, for making fun of me.

and then I was bombarded with questions as to why I was crying, when I only had watery eyes (nothing fell yet). I began to get mad because I would never open up to them about my love life, let alone anything else.

no.

no.

no.

no.

no.

no.

it seemed like that's all I would say: no. but why would you keep asking me questions when you clearly can tell I won't tell you anything? guess that's just one more thing you don't understand.

and while I spent the rest of the day mourning selfishly and quietly, I distracted myself long enough.

today it is june tenth two thousand seventeen.

my older sister is mad at me because I'm sad "for no reason". and once a fucking gain, thank you, future psychologist who should know fucking better. fuck you, bitch.

it was overdue, I suppose, because things don't last forever.

I'm pretty sure I've slowly, but surely, transitioned and tripped into a long depressive episode. at a terrible time as well.

I just spent the last five minutes trying not to cry because no one cares and scratching my cheeks (self harm?).

life sucks.