I Hope You Find It

SUMMARY:  A walk down memory lane might bring you down. Or it might shed new light on old shadows of thoughts. Or it might do both.

AUTHORS NOTES/WARNINGS: No warnings. Maybe have a tissue nearby.

Inspired by the song “I Hope You Find It” by Cher.  The story takes place around the time “Thor” came out.

Many thanks to my wonderful betas Wusch and sweetoceancloud. Feedback is very much appreciated.

I Hope You Find It

This was probably the stupidest thing I had done in a long time. Just what the hell had I been thinking? What was I thinking? And why now for God's sake? I always thought I'd been done with this over a year ago. I should've been done with this over a year ago. I needed to have been done with this over a year ago.

My grip on the handrail tightened, my knuckles almost white due to the sheer force with which I held on to the wood and I halted in mid-step on the way up a flight of stairs.

It was a long time ago. Too long a time to be doing this. And a lot had happened since then. So why in God’s name was I doing it? Why was I most likely ruining all the good things that had happened to me in the past months?

"Miss, are you alright?" The female voice asking brought me out of my thoughts. I opened my eyes and my head snapped up, my gaze focusing on the older lady on top of the stairs.

"Yes," I croaked. "Yes, I'm fine."

"Then come on up. It is right around the corner here," she said encouragingly and I felt how hard it was to keep the 'I know' inside that wanted to come out. It didn’t take long to join the woman on the landing upstairs.

"Right around here," she said again, pointing to her left. I followed her down the short hallway which hadn’t changed at all: the pale green wallpaper, the wood paneling, down to the carpet on the wooden floor boards – it all was exactly as I remembered it.

I felt a lump in my throat as the landlady inserted the key into the lock and opened the door wide for me to go in first.

My stomach cramped up as I took the first step into what had once been my flat...our flat. I felt my heart beating wildly in my chest. My hands balled into fists, clenching tightly around the fabric of my coat, pressing the silver band on my left ring finger almost painfully into the skin.

With a deep breath I took another step forward. And another. And one more. Until I stood at the exact spot where our coffee table used to be. A small fireplace was right in front of me, unlit at the moment; and a small shelf stood on its left hand side. Other than that the room was bare; but in my mind, I remembered. Memories I should have forgotten long ago resurfaced; broke through the barrier I had built around them in the past months to help me cope.

Before my mind’s eye a sofa appeared to my right, the room darkened and the fire in the hearth illuminated the room with its warm, dancing light. On the sofa lay two people, a woman and a man, cozily snuggled up to one another, a blanket covering their tangled legs. The man was holding a book in one hand, reading from it while the woman listened to his every word.

A sole tear fell from my eye, slowly running down my cheek. Those had been good days. The best days -  and I had ruined it all.

A cold shiver ran down my back, bringing me back to the present. Why was I doing this to myself? Why was I jeopardizing what I had built for myself after...after what I had gone through? Why was I putting my own happiness at risk?