Beautiful Scars on Critical Veins (kellic)

Chapter Three

Nothing too exciting happened during breakfast for me. I watched the other guys eat and I only slightly wanted to eat. But the look of the food was enough make my eating disorder clear that I wasn't eating whatever the hell  breakfast had been.

I learned from Jack's excited rant of how he was going home was that the boy with spiked black hair was Jaime and the one with gauges and the longer black hair was Tony. I'd been right about Frank and Gerard too because Brendon told Gerard, the taller one, to stop staring at Frank and 'eat his damn food'.

After they ate they came to the couches, Gerard caught my eye and gave me the smallest smile I'd ever seen. He came over and sat next to me and Frank sat across from us, glancing at Gerard every few seconds. I'd forgotten, they weren't allowed together except meals and whatever a 1:1 was. It was probably when you had a nurse like Oli had.

Oli and his 1:1 were still sitting at the table, he was still refusing to eat. I took pity on him, I knew what that was like and I'd probably be forced to eat sometime soon. My eyes flicked around the room and everyone had finally sat down.

A young man came in and set up a folding chair and sat on it. He was holding a clipboard so I assumed he was some sort of therapist, this must be group. He was tall and had bright electric blue hair.

He smiled around the room and his eyes lingered on me for a second, "I see we have a new patient, my name is Alex and I'm one of the therapist here. I lead the morning groups most mornings." I didn't smile back, I just stared him down but he didn't even blink.

"Okay! Who wants to go first? Jack, how about you." He winked at Jack who turned a slight shade darker, if I remembered they had some sort of illegal relationship but since he was getting out tomorrow they could be together. It would be nice to live with a therapist sometimes I bet.

"Hullo, I'm Jack and I'm a nine! Breakfast sucked that's why it's never a ten." He explained. I bet, it looked like complete shit. "Oh I'm sorry, the numbers represent how you feel on a scale of 1 to 10, 1 being the worst and 10 the best." I figured that out, "We also give a small check-in and since you're new we'll all give an introduction." Alex said, "Oh okay," Jack thought for a second, "I've been here for about two weeks but I'm probably leaving tomorrow!"

"I'm Oli, I've been here two days and two." He said shortly, not giving a check-in, not that I really cared anyhow.  "How's your day?" Alex questioned, "Its literally 7:30, I just woke up. Breakfast is shit so I didn't eat." Oli had a thick, quiet, British accent.

"Hullo, I'm Frank. I've been here about two weeks and uh, I guess I'm a four and this week sucks cause I'm not allowed to hang out with Gerard a lot." The shorter boy glanced at Gerard and gave a sad smile before looking down at his hands and blushing, I looked at Gerard who had a smirk in his lips for a second before it disappeared.

"I'm Alan, three. I've been here two fucking years and I hate you all." Well at least he was honest, I could admire that. "Alan! Please don't swear, some people may be triggered." All the patients simultaneously rolled their eyes including me. "Sorry, boss." Alan smirked before his eyes glazed over and he stared out the frosted windows.

"I'm Jaime, I'm an eight. I've been here for uh, one week. I don't know what to say since I literally just told everyone how I was last night all I did was sleep." It seemed like most patients had some attitude towards therapist or people who worked here in general.

"Tony, I'm a six, I haven't done anything but talk to Jaime and Jack so that was good." He smiled, he had a nice smile.

"Do you feel like gracing us with your voice, Gerard?" Gerard shook his head, I knew the feeling. "Alrighty then, hopefully you'll come around soon, you've been here over a month you know." I bet Gerard already knew that.

"Okay, Kellin?" All eyes shifted to me, I got nervous but I didn't break, I wasn't going to give them the satisfaction of me talking. They all probably knew, they all knew everything about me, every patient, therapist, and nurse knew what went on and why I'm in the crisis unit.

Paranoia and anxiety seeped into my mind, chasing away logic that told me the patients were all asleep when I came and probably hadn't been told by nurses or anything. I knew I was being irrational but I couldn't stop the thoughts. They were probably true and everyone was judging me.

I didn't try and give them any sort of communication so Alex just shrugged and moved on, "Okay! Great, a little bit of lip but nothing out of the ordinary. Alright, today we're going to learn about paranoia." I knew they knew about what I had. I didn't need to learn about it, I had it! No one else here probably had it and they could all read my mind!

Frank raised his hand, "I have paranoia." Why would he go and tell everyone about his problems? I could understand telling a therapist but all the other patients? How stupid. I realized I had been wrong, I wasn't the only one who had paranoia.

"Oh? So tell me then, what's it like if you don't mind sharing." Frank shrugged and set his hand back in his lap, thinking for a second.

"It's like... it's like having someone follow you around constantly and tell you things. Irrational and stupid things but you can't help but listen and believe them. Things like everyone hates you or someone is following you. It's different from anxiety though some people mix the two up."

That was a pretty good description, but he forgot the fear of everything, the terrifying feeling when someone says one bad thing and you are incapable of trusting them again. Also how you can have clear evidence and logic but it doesn't change your suspicions, and how you can never feel relaxed out of fear of nothing at all. It was a terrible thing to carry in with every day.

"That's good, Frank. You're so very right. Paranoia involves intense anxious or fearful feelings and thoughts often related to persecution, threat, or conspiracy. Paranoia occurs in many mental disorders, but is most often present in psychotic disorders." He definitely memorized that off of the internet, I knew he did.

"Let's talk about coping skills for it." Alex looked down at his clipboard, his eyes scanned it quickly then he looked back up, "The first is obvious, take your medication. It's a no brainer and everyone should do that for whatever problems they have. Okay, take a quick reality check. Ask a friend or someone who is with you what they think about your suspicions. That can help a lot if another person in the same situation can tell you what's really going on, unless they also have paranoia and in which case don't mention it." He laughed quietly, "Also you should have some sort of code word or phrase to notify someone you trust if you aren't feeling very well. That can also go to all types of people with different mental illnesses like anxiety."

I must admit those were helpful tools but I was convinced I was the only exception and it wouldn't work on me. I was the odd one out and nothing  no one could help me except myself.

"Okay, I think that's it for group right now. Unless someone has something to say?" He looked around questioningly but no one answered so he nodded and stood up, "Okay! I'll see later, Jack. We've got a session." He winked suggestively and discreetly but I noticed. Oh god were they going to fuck?

He picked up his chair and left the room, Brendon sighed, I'd forgotten he'd been in here. He'd been in the corner, drawing.

"Hm, well you can all go to your rooms if you want. I'd like that cause then I don't have to watch you and I have someone I'd like to see." He smiled and everyone got up and made their way to their rooms. I didn't know where my room was though, which one was mine?

"Oh, you probably have no clue what room is yours, huh? Ry probably forgot to tell you and I bet you don't have any of your shit. I'll show you your room then grab you it." He got up and showed me to my room. It was the end of the hall near the exit, number 22, hall 1, B.

"Okay, I'll get your stuff, have fun I guess." And Brendon walked off, later to comeback with a laundry basket of most of my clothes and some books and a deck of cards.

This place wasn't the worst but I was going to escape and no one would even notice.