The Taste Of Revenge

32

She stood in the shower, letting the scalding water run in intricate patterns down her body. It pulled at the scabs and soft tissue scars, the heat turning her whole body a soft pinkish colour. Running a hand down to her chest, she felt over the tender skin on her breasts, the scars that remained of the destruction that had been wreaked upon her. Tonks let her gentle fingers move lower, and she winced as they shifted to go around the undeniable curve of her pregnant stomach. Five months along was too far, too obvious to deny to everyone else. They would discover eventually, and then they would know it all. Tonks suspected that Molly knew already, if not then the woman would clearly be losing her inquisitive nature.

She thought of the child that she carried, would they be a boy or a girl, would they look like her or would she be pained every time she looked into familiar eyes? She didn't know, but she resolved to love them just the same no matter what; their parentage would never be something to blame on them. She was not just afraid of that, however, it was the harsh taste of reality that hurt her most. One day soon, she would have to tell them, and Remus too, and she was beyond terrified that he would be angry. Tonks knew that she should've ended her pregnancy when she first discovered it, they were in the middle of a war and it would be the child of a monster, but she couldn't do it. She'd tried, once, but gotten scared at the last moment as it began to hurt and never completed the incantation.

"I'll love you anyway," she murmured, wrapping one arm around her rounded stomach as she turned off the shower, "No matter what, I will, I promise." She had never wanted children, not at all, and yet, in the space of a few months, she had somehow accepted two into her life- both sired by a monster who had destroyed her life just as much as Remus's. She was tired of it, tired of the responsibility and the secrets and the pain, the endless pain that filled her every waking moment and the night terrors that filled her dreams.

Stepping out of the shower and charming herself dry, she took a moment to look at her reflection in the full-length mirror against the wall. Her enlarged stomach stuck out like a sore thumb, jutting out against her skinny frame with scary clearness. Pulling on loose trousers and a jumper three sizes too large helped, but only a little, it was still clear and Tonks finally accepted the inevitably that it was time to talk.

*

"Five months." She whispered, never taking her fixed gaze from the kitchen table.

"Oh, you poor dear." Molly sighed, leaning across and placing a comforting hand on the young woman's arm, "I felt it wrong to ask. How are you?" Normally, Tonks ended up getting frustrated at Molly's attempts to treat her no older than Ginny, but for once it was nice to have someone who understand at least a little of the anxiety.

"I'm a mess." She choked out with a bitter bark of laughter, "I barely even sleep anymore, and this is so fucking difficult, I don't want to tell anyone 'cos that means admitting everything, but I can't hide forever and I am so afraid." Her words came out in an almost constant flow, desperate for release after being bottled away for months, "I can't even look after myself, how will I manage Dante and a baby too, in the middle of a fucking war?"

"We'll all be here to look out for you, Tonks dear." Molly said as comfortingly as the lump in her throat would allow, "Don't ever even imagine that we would leave you alone in this situation, because we wouldn't, none of us would."

"How am I going to tell Remus?" Tonks sighed despairingly, hand unconsciously drifting to her belly as she spoke, "Fenrir destroyed his whole life, and mine, and I didn't get rid of this baby; how in the name of Merlin will I be able to look him in the eye and tell him that? Remus means the world to me, but I physically cannot find the strength to tell him the truth."

"Tell me what?" He was stood in the doorway, looking just as beautifully ragged as ever. Tonks felt her breath catch, suddenly so much more afraid when faced with the prospect of his possible anger. Molly excused herself with soft words and hurried from the kitchen, shutting the door behind her, and Tonks had a suspicion she had also placed muffling charms as she left.

"I'm sorry." Nymphadora whispered, aware of the darkness of her hair as she took a step towards the man she considered one of her closest friends. Even after so long apart, she knew she still felt the same way, but she also knew that she was repulsive, a shell left of what he may once have been able to love. She could no longer be enough for him, and would be even less so after she confessed her secret. Tonks wasn't aware of her tears until Remus was wiping them away with a gentle thumb, and then holding her into his chest.

"What is it?" He murmured soothingly, stroking her hair as her tried so hard to make her feel enough for him, and remembered and cared for- he had always hated to see her cry.

"I should've told you so long ago, but I've just been so scared." Her voice broke amid tears, cracking as the lump rose in her throat, "When, I was with the pack, with Greyback..." she trailed off, feeling Remus's arms tense around her as he guessed at what she was trying to tell him, "I'm pregnant." The words were barely coherent, mixed with a loud sob, but they fell clearly to Remus's ears, and he froze.

"You didn't try to terminate it?" He asked quietly, slowly releasing his grip on her and stepping away, pinching the bridge of his nose and sighing. Wordlessly, Tonks shook her head, no explanation seeming reasonable anymore, "Shit." Remus muttered, "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I haven't told anyone." She protested, forcing her hand to stay by her side and not travel to her stomach, "Molly was the first to know other than you, and that was just now. I did want to tell you, I promise, but I think that would've made it just a little too real, and then-" once more no words reached her lips, and she fell silent with her eyes fixed on the floor between them.

"Carrying this child is unbelievably dangerous, Nymphadora." He scolded her, almost as though she were a child, but it only served to upset her further at the mention of her name, "What if it transforms within you, or what if it hurts you, Nym? I'm begging you to not carry this out, for your own sake."

"For fucks sake, Remus." She swore bitterly as her temper snapped, almost disgusted as his true personality began to shine through, "I don't need fucking babying. You think I haven't considered these complications yet, you think I'm not endlessly afraid that this child will be like their father? You think I don't have these moments of fucking panic either? But what if they're like Dante, same father, and just think of how sweet he is and I destroyed it out of fear that it could be cruel. That's not something you're born with Lupin, anyone can be taught to love, no matter what!" She hadn't meant to shout, but his ignorance frustrated her beyond belief and she just couldn't stop herself.

"That's not what I'm saying," he answered, cool and collected, "I'm simply stating the risks that come with carrying this child to term. All of these other women have been werewolves, Tonks, their bodies could deal with a lycanthropic child in their womb, there's no telling if you can. You're human Nym, and Greyback isn't." He still didn't know, no one had told him, and Tonks couldn't help but feel that he wasn't the only one oblivious to her new situation. The high necked jumpers that she never removed were good cover.

"Then I've got some fucking news for you." She snarled, close to screaming once more, "If being a monster is necessary to giving birth then I'm sure I'll manage quite alright, thank you very much." For a moment, everything was frozen, Remus motionless in shock and Tonks desperately gasping for breath in light of her outburst, "Why do you always have to make it out like there's some fucking way to avoid the inevitability? I'm pregnant with the child of Fenrir Greyback, too far along for abortion and frankly already fucking tired of waiting till after the next full moon!"

She got up, going to push past him and storm back up to her room. Remus, slowly awakening from his shocked state, grabbed at her arm, trying to stop her long enough for him to have a chance to apologise. He didn't get the chance.

As he grabbed out at her, she slipped, taken by surprise, and fell heavily onto the dresser. It struck the side of her stomach, causing the briefest flickers of pain through her belly. But she forgot it in seconds, instead letting a smile grace her lips as the kitchen door swung open, and Dante toddled into her outstretched arms. Tonks really didn't have the patience for an Order Meeting at that moment, all she wanted to do was go to bed and sleep with Dante safe and happy beside her, but there seemed to be no choice.