Feigning Bliss

Preface

 A.N: I am so sorry I had to republish this. I made a stupid mistake and I am quite the perfectionist. So here it is. Love you for sticking around.      

Xxx
       
        I lean against the walls of the shower, frozen to the spot. Thinking...just thinking about him. Thinking about how unbearable my life was before he came in.
       
        Back then, I didn't even want to know what lay ahead. I didn't want to stay long enough to find out. I just wanted to go. Find peace. Make it all stop. I would sit on my bed and think that maybe a deep cut or two would do the trick. But I was always too much of a coward to even try it. I would hold the knife in my hands, stare at it long and hard, then thoughts of what great things I could achieve in my life and how I would be missing out on all of it would come to mind, then I would think of all the horrible stuff i was going through. I would finally decide to just drop it, head back to my room and cry myself to sleep. The crying part was almost a daily routine. Heck I did it so much, I forgot that a specific part of my eyes were capable of being any other color but red.
       
        Those were the days when I still had hope. Hope for a better future. Back then I thought that that was just the beginning of my life, that I had to be patient. So therefore, it didn't matter what I went through cause there was so much I hadn't experienced, so much to look forward to. I always had a nagging feeling that God had a plan for me. He was just testing my faith. 'I wouldn't be with them forever' I would say to myself. 'I would eventually go to college, graduate, get a job and move out' I'd repeat every time something bad happened at home. Freedom was just a hair's breath away.

        As I thought about those familiar words, a sad smile slowly creeped up on my face. I was so strong in my faith in Him. Back then, if there was like a...club for Christians, and the only way to choose the president would be based on the level of faith you have in God, I would win that shit five(5) years in a row hands down and they wouldn't even complain 'cause there would be no competition judging by what I've gone through. He was the only thing that kept me going...well, Him and my mum actually. The stuff that went down at home affected her more than it did me so if she was strong, I had to be strong but, if she ever broke down, I would totally lose it, which rarely happened. Plus, she's got enough on her plate to find out her child committed suicide. That would be too selfish of me.

        Every night we prayed. Every...single...night we prayed for change. Well technically, l, my sister and my mum and dad prayed 'cause the others usually fell asleep halfway through it most of the time but either way we prayed. We prayed with faith. And after a lot of chaos and endurance, God finally came through for us. And just when we thought we were safe and it was all over, we came crashing back down again. Like when you've been climbing a mountain for so long and then you reach the top, take one false step, trip and come falling back down all the way to the bottom. I don't know what we ever did to deserve this. Maybe it's destiny. Quite unfortunate.

        Anyway, in reference to my mountain climbing example, yes, we all took a false step and fell back down but I somehow managed to start climbing that mountain all over again. Only to be brought back down not by a false step. No...no but a push. Yes, a push. That is, a person. Not fate or maybe the devil like in my family members' case, but a person. By him. The worst mistake I ever made.

        Remember when I said my life was unbearable before he came in? Well, after he fully implanted himself in it, it got a whole lot worse. I never thought that that was even possible 'cause my life is already badly messed up as it is but his presence proved me wrong. Now I pray at night, not to wake up the next morning.  Heck if i decide to actually commit suicide, I would do it with little hesitation now cause there's nothing left to look forward to. Nothing worth this torture. Maybe after my mum dies. Don't want to risk her having a heart attack due to bad news. At least i know that if God's not there for me, my mum always will be. I owe her that much.

        And sometimes I wonder if God is still up there. If he still takes requests from us. I take a deep breath and exhale. Then there's silence in my head for a while.

        I decide to ask. My breathing shaky and voice barely a whisper. "Where are you?" My body is still frozen, leaning on the shower wall, the side of my head resting against the cool surface.

        I lift my head to stare at the ceiling. Thinking that maybe if I look hard enough, he'll answer.

       "Where---" I try to complete it but i'm interrupted by my own tears. I cry long and hard, sliding down the wall with my back against it till I reach the floor. I bring me knees up to my chin.

        Wow, Zee. You finally lost it. So fucked up, your asking God for His whereabouts. Of course he's still up there. He just forgot about you. You mean nothing to him...you never did.

       "I never did" I silently admit.

        And with those words, I spend at least two more hours sitting under the shower, staring into space and thinking about nothing in particular. I eventually head to bed. Words of despair clouding my thoughts till drowsiness overcomes me.

xxxxx

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