Losing The Game

Life is like a game of cards. You win some, you lose some, but you have to play to be in with a chance. Well I'm sick of playing. My hand is shaking so much I can hardly keep hold of the gun, and if I don't hurry up Lennie will turn around.

I try to convince myself that it's better this way. Better for him to die smiling with a friend by his side than all alone with that innocent look of confusion and betrayal etched across his face. I just wish there was another way. Anything but this. We should never have come here. I should have listened to Lennie when he told me to leave. It's strange, but in a way he is sometimes cleverer than everyone else. It's like he can somehow see things clearer than the rest of us. Still, no point worrying about that now. I made a mistake, and I can't change that. Everyone makes mistakes. Some are just bigger than others.

I wonder if it's true what they say about reliving your life in your final moments. Because the time Lennie and I spent together is flashing before my eyes. Every laugh, every tear. It is as though I am trying to tell myself something, but I just can't quite put my finger on what it is.

It's time. I can hear the others coming towards us through the woods. I have to choose now if I want to have any say in this. Sometimes there is no right answer. Sometimes all the choices you have are bad ones. But you still have to choose.

I shut my eyes, and take one last rasping breath, forcing myself to lift the gun. Slowly, I pull the trigger.

Curley and Slim burst into the clearing, but all I see is Lennie's cold, unseeing eyes. Lennie is falling, and so am I. Someone is trying to talk to me but I can't here them. I only hear the sound of my heart pounding. The weight of what I have done hits me, and it is though I am carrying the world on my shoulders.

This is my ghost, and it will never leave me. I shut my eyes, and my mind is filled with images of Lennie. Happy, sad and worst of all, those glazed eyes with all the life sucked out of them. The knowledge that Lennie will never again see the the light of day is something I will take to the grave.

Life is like a game of cards. I'm sorry Lennie, but we lost this one.