T.W: Self harm, skip past this chapter and there will be an alternative chapter without the trigger<3 Stay alive luvs<3
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(Stilllll Phil's p.o.v.)
Angst- a feeling of deep anxiety or dread, typically an unfocused one about the human condition or the state of the world in general.
My alarm clock blared in my ears over and over.
Turn off.
I decided I'm not going to school today. Or tomorrow. Or Friday. I'm not going to face Dan ever after yesterday. I ran away like a coward. I shouldn't be afraid to love, but I am.
I fell back asleep hoping that I would never wake back up.
I woke up to a loud ringing in my ear. My phone was going ballistic from Dan's texts and calls.
30 missed messages.
8 missed calls.
3 voicemails.
1 person.
I feel so guilty. I'm an asshole for ignoring Dan, but what am I supposed to say? "Oh hey sorry I'm not at school today or any day after today I am hiding from you forever because im afraid to admit that I am falling in love." I can't say that, so I'm going to say nothing.
I shut off my phone so Dan could stop being all I can think about.
I started thinking. . . That never turns out good.
If I died right now. . . Dan wouldn't have to worry about me anymore.
I wouldn't have to hide anymore. Everything would be solved.
My trembling legs carried me to the bathroom where all my mom's pills lived. I didn't know which pills would get the job done, so I took 5 of each, a total of 15 pills, and shoved them down throat. I waited for the effects to kick in, but I felt no change.
So I grabbed a knife from the kitchen. The memories of the kid who used to tell me to kill myself flashed into my head. He would be very proud of me.
I took the knife and held it to my neck. I began to input pressure and I felt my neck cry in agony. The sensation felt painful but calming. My neck was now pouring with blood on it's right side.
Then I passed out.
I woke up in the hospital. All I could hear were the beeps coming from the machine next to me. I tried to focus my vision on the room and a black blur caught my attention. They looked like they were crying.
My quivering groggy voice asked, "Are you okay?"
"Phil!" Screamed the voice. That voice was all too familiar. . . Dan Howell.
"Thank God you are okay Phil. You worried the shit out of me."
"Dan, um. About the other night, I'm so-" Dan hushed then comforted me. "It is okay, we will talk about that later. For now, just relax, okay? How about I go get that Taco Bell we were gonna get?" Dan offered.
"That would be nice." I replied
Dan kissed my cheek then left the room.
God why couldn't I die?
