Blasphemy

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a/n: self harm trigger warning. if you do not like to read about self harm, once you see this symbol: • go to the next chapter.

  I felt something hovering above me. I wasn't really awake yet, but I knew something was there. I felt like I was lost in between dimensions. I couldn't control my body, but I was aware of what was going on. I felt rough kisses on my neck and my eyes fluttered open. I tried to move, I tried to speak, but nothing happened. I managed to look around. Then I saw it... him... he was kissing my neck and he looked up at me, "Awake now, huh?" He laughed a laugh that sounded so sinister, it could have belonged to the devil himself. He shoved my down and forced me on my knees. That seemed to knock the sleep paralysis right out of me. "Open." He said forcefully. I knew what he was trying to do, so I just kept my mouth shut. "Open." he growled at me. I drew in a shaky breath, praying to God he would just give up and leave me alone. He swung at me and hit me square in the jaw. I stayed strong though. God would save me. I have been faithful and loyal to him my entire life. I went to church every Sunday and I prayed nightly. He had to save me.

He has to.

But guess what?

He didn't.

All I did was cry. That's all I could do. He was too powerful, I guess he showed himself to be more powerful than God too, because God did nothing. I prayed like a solider about to stumble into the entrance of heaven but my general, God almighty in his righteousness never met me to help me through the battle. And it left me wondering if I fell from his grace into hell or get stuck in the undertow of purgatory?

     Mr.Jacobson left after he got what he wanted. I had stopped crying, I don't think I have any tears left. I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to get up and shoot myself, but all I could do was stare at a wall with the faint sound of a ticking clock in the background.

Tick tick tick.

I was starting to get annoyed.

TicK TicK TicK

The ticks grew louder as I balled my fists.

TiCK TiCK TiCK

I took a deep breath in, trying to contain myself.

TICK TICK TICK

That's it.

I screamed like a madman and stood up, grabbing the clock off the wall and slamming it down. I stomped on it, the satisfaction of making something as broken as I felt settling in. I grabbed my bag, not bothering to change my clothes, and sprinted out of the locker room and into the parking lot, looking for my car. Since it was pitch black, it took me a moment, but I found it. I opened the driver side door and got in as quick as possible, slamming and locking the door.

     I rested my head back and just thought. I felt so dirty, so impure, so sinful. It made me just want to end it all... 'suicide is a sin.' I told myself, starting the car. Even though I only had my permit, my parents allowed me to drive to and from school since it was such a short distance. They were always too busy to drive me anyways. Not like they cared enough to do it anyways.

Both my parents worked graveyard shifts, so they were always gone when I got home from basketball games. I pulled into the driveway and parked. I took the key out of the ignition and got out of the car, leaving my bag behind. I entered my house through the already unlocked front door and went straight to my room, not bothering with food, bathing, or anything of that sort. I opened the door to my bedroom and entered, closing the door behind me. I walked over to my bed and just sat there.

•

I pulled out my phone and searched through tumblr for awhile until I got a message from a user under the name of 'Blurryface'

Blurryface: Hello, Tyler. You seem to be upset. May I help?

Yes, the message was creepy as all hell. Every ounce of my being told me to ignore this and to not reply, but I did anyways. I needed something to relieve the pain.

Ty-Jo: Please help.

Blurryface: I care about you, Tyler. I want you to be happy. When I'm upset, I find the nearest blade and I cut my thighs. You should try it.

Ty-Jo: That sounds like a terrible idea...

Blurryface: Tyler, I care. Please do it. For me. I love you!

Ty-Jo: How does it help?

Blurryface: Every demon inside you escapes through the blood. Trust me, this works.

I sat there completely unsure of what to do. I thought this was complete bullshit, but this 'blurryface' character said he loves me and he cares and he wants me to be happy. I'm a sucker for people like that. I foolishly believed him and found a letter opener in my desk. i took off my pants and underwear and stared at my thighs for a moment. My shaky hand slowly brought the blade down to my thigh. The cold blade against my warm skin gave me shivers. I applied a bit more pressure to the blade and drug it across my thigh. It stung like a major bitch, but it didn't see any blood yet, so i made another one on my other thigh and just pushed harder. Each one I pushed harder and harder until I was a bloody mess. I messaged Blurryface back.

Ty-Jo: I did it.

Blurryface: Prove it. I want pictures.

Ty-Jo: *picture message*

Blurryface: Good job. These pictures make me very happy. I'm glad you're listening to me so easily :). Goodnight, Tyler. Remember, don't let the nighmares become a reality, but if they do, keep your handy-dandy letter opener around. The deeper you go, the less you hurt emotionally.

Ty-Jo: Thank you. Goodnight.

I placed the letter opener on my nightstand and laid down with my eyes closed, ignoring the bleeding wounds.

Little did I know, that night was the start of something terrible.