To start, I just want you to know that I'm sorry. This sucks. That thing has got you down again
The shit you're dealing with is real and scary, and I know that you are trying to figure out things for yourself. Since I consider you one of my best friends, I just want you to know a few things. I wish I could take your pain away, more than anything. I wish I could wave something and make all the bad stuff go and leave you with the stuff want. But I can't. So I am going to tell you a few things that I think. Maybe you'll find something that will help you in what I have to say, but I don't know.
First of all, you're not alone. I know you think you are the only one who has ever felt this way. But you're not. Not even close. These feelings lies to you, it wants to isolate you and strip away all of your strength.. It wants to have you to itself because it knows you're much more vulnerable that way. Don't let it. There are some people out there who understand your exact pain(like me), but there are way more people who just understand pain enough to care and listen and love(I can still do this) Find them, take a risk, let them in. The funny thing about pain is that it always feels less painful when someone is feeling it with you.
Second, I may not of known you for very long but I've watched your pain help you turn into exactly who you are. I'm so sorry you suffer, really. But I'll be honest. Selfishly, I'm also kind of glad, because it's made you into you. All of your genuine humility is because of it, I think. All of your compassion. Whatever patience you have. Even your wicked sense of humor. And your bitch fits (I totally love you and I get them too but you know it's true lol) I could be wrong, but I think all of your good stuff comes from your pain
Third, your pain has made you unique to me. . For the past couple months I've known you you've been carrying this pain, trying to live as good a life as you can with the stupid rocks tied to your feet, pulling you down. Trying to fix the source of it (you still haven't), trying to deaden it (you can't, really), trying to deny it and cover it up (again, no). What I want you to know is that in those moments when you're most broken by it, when you're feeling it the deepest, when you're standing honest and naked in front of it crying, that's precisely when I love you the most. That's when I remember again (and again, and again) why I wanted to be your friend in the first place. Because you're a real person, you suffer this crap and yet you keep on trying, every day. You are kind of a role model to me.
Lastly, I've watched you do some destructive things to try to lessen your pain, and I'm really hoping that some things I say will help you to cope so you don't need to hurt yourself. You know what I'm talking about. I don't think I need to say it here. I just want you to see, from someone who knows you well but isn't you, that some of the bad decisions you've made (sure, I was sometimes there making them with you, but this message is about you) probably had something to do with your pain. To distract from it, or to deaden it, or to try to fix it once and for all. But it can't be fixed, and I think you know that deep down. And those things you (we) did to try to fix it only piled on to the pain when the dust cleared. They added piles of guilt and failure and regret to the pain that was already there. I just hope you'll think about that a little bit now. I just don't want you to keep adding more layers. The will just drag you down more.
Your hardship is my hardship. Someone as incredible as you should not have to deal with heavy problems and feelings like these. But we both know life doesn't work that way, so that's why I am going to be here for you. Just remember that I will do everything I can to be your safety net and catch you when you fall. Then, tell me what you want from me. Use me as your verbal punching bag. I'll listen and give you opinions if you ask for them.. Whatever you need, I'll do it. I want to help in any way that I can.
I support any decision you make. You need to do what is best for you, first and foremost. You have a good intuition, judge of character, and sense of self. All I ask is that you weigh your options and put sincere thought into whatever you decide. I'll back you up and be on your side, through thick and thin.
I don't know if any of this helps. Probably not right now, but maybe later. Anyway, I'm here for you, just like you're here for me. And again, I'm so sorry.
