Based on Wikipedia, Patience (or forbearing) is the state of endurance under difficult circumstances, which can mean persevering in the face of delay or provocation without acting on annoyance/anger in a negative way. A virtue I thought I had practiced long time ago, but I was wrong.
For the past few months of my bitter sweet ride of love, I always thought of 1 thing, and that is not to lose in this game called love, not again. For the past 10 years all I ever focused on was to find a bad man with a good heart, just like my father when he was still alive. My father was an epitome of Casanova, an adventurer and a perfect womanizer. But everything changes when he met my mother. Of all the women he had a relationship with, it was only my mother who captured his heart completely.
Maybe it was the feeling of fulfillment that pushed me to look for men with such character. Men that I thought I could change, men I thought would do anything for our relationship to work. Unfortunately with my experiences in the past, endings are all the same, crying in the end, broken into pieces and doesn’t know how to restart my life all over again. I denied the facts why my past relationships didn’t work, because it is too harsh for me to accept. There must be nothing wrong with me, until I met a guy named Doodz. With the help of my best friend/psychologist for 7 years now, this bitter sweet ride with D, opened doors and windows for improvement. A virtue I thought I had practiced long time ago is being tested to its limits.
When I was a kid I always get whatever I want or need as long as my parents can afford it. My siblings envied me as I was deemed my parents favorite daughter, since if I ask something, and use my charms with my drama queen attitude, they just give it to me right away. If I need something, I have to get it as soon as possible. I thought working in the BPO Company taught me well to be patient, but then again, I thought wrong.
My bitter sweet love ride with D, is so different with my past relationships. I love him, I have fallen deeply in love with him. I must say he is one of the chosen few who I thought I would never fall in love with. At first he was just a simple fling, a booty call. Until we started having conversations and get to know the bad side of him. He is also an adventurer and a womanizer, but like my father he has a very fragile heart.
I really want to be with him. I really want to be his friend, his partner, his girlfriend. I don’t get jealous with women around him, I get jealous when people I know, gets to have a special moments with him. I always cry myself to sleep, each time my expectations are not met by him. I always feel I am the victim in this situation. But when I had a chance to talk to my best friend, he reminded me to appreciate the simple things my feelings for D has taught me.
Before whenever I’m bored, not happy with my boyfriend or got into a huge fight with my partner I can always turn to my DNC list (these are phone numbers of men, I can call and get laid with to relieve my stress). When I met him, I decided to delete all other DNC numbers and left ONLY his number on the DNC list, ‘coz the agreement was just pure sex but then I fell in love with him in an unexpected way. For the past months I am proud to say that even though I had my ups and downs with him, I chose not to call another man to make me feel complete and happy just for few minutes. I chose to practice celibacy, and I am proud that I’m in my 3rd month and running. I decided not to do it with another man, ‘coz a good man once told me, how can I find a long lasting relationship if every time I feel down and not happy with my relationship I chose to get laid and break the trust of our relationship.
March 11, 2014 was the day I decided, to let go of my anger, my frustrations, my hopes of becoming his woman and accept the fact that we are better off as friends. I can’t handle the rejection anymore, I can’t handle the fact that even though how hard I try I will never be the woman he will choose. I had a good night sleep after letting go of those negatives feelings and hopes that aren’t met. But when I woke up, he was still my first thought in the morning. Yes, I am happy but there’s a different happiness whenever he is around, even though sometimes he seems so near yet so far.
My heart says stop and move on, but my brain tells me this is something different. I’ve learned a lot in this experience with him. I learned to practice celibacy, little by little I learn to be patient, be more sensitive and be more appreciative.
Paolo Cuelho once said and I quote, “BE BRAVE, TAKE RISKS nothing can substitute experience.
Another line from the famous Paolo Cuelho and I quote, " If that person is still on your mind. He is worth the risk."
I will take the risk. I may lose a potential boyfriend in the end, but I will definitely gain a very good friend aside from the lessons that I have learned and I will learn in this bitter sweet love ride with D.
