The Mindset of Emile Lockery

January 24, 1856

                 I think I'm going to die. No, I know I'm going to die. Whether it's from sadness, anger, betrayal, or imprisonment. I feel as if my life has come crashing down and I'm suffocating. I'm the city and my life the hurricane. I confronted Mama, Jackie, and Ben in our cabin early this morning. What I learned shattered me as if I was glass.

"What can't I know?" I asked them.

"E-excuse me?" And as if she had been caught stealing, Mama stuttered and looked shocked.

"Dunno what you're talkin 'bout, so scram," Jackie said.

"I heard you talking and I'm not ashamed. I'm not a little girl anymore and I want, no I deserve the truth," I spoke calmly but firmly.

"Alright sit down," Ben told me.

"Ben!" Mama scolded.

"She's right Roslyn. She's 16. Time for her to learn the truth."

"I'll start. Your father and five others rebelled against Master TomFord when you were three. They stole some guns and tried to shoot Master TomFord and Harold dead, but they weren't skilled enough with the guns and ran outta bullets. They all died." As Jackie was telling me this, a few pictures came to my mind of a storm, a night full of shouting and gunfire, and Mama curled up with me crying.

Mama was crying as she spoke, "I didn't tell you because I was petrified and bitter. I tried to keep you safe by working extra hard with help from everybody else. We all payed unfairly for their "crimes" for the next two years. Eventually things settled down and you didn't remember anything. Everyone agreed not to tell you. Please understand. I've only ever wanted to keep you safe." She said the last part with a pleading tone.

"How could you?" I said, my voice going from low to high. "How could you lie to me every time I asked? You had no right! This is a part of me, of my history that you've deprived me of! All of you!" I yelled fuming and shocked.

"I was only trying to protect you. I love you and don't want you to do something foolish," Mama was pleading with me as tears ran down her face.

"Were you ever going tell me?!" She didn't answer me. "I hate you." She reached out to touch me. "Don't touch me! You lied to me! This was never your choice to make!" I was backing up towards the door feeling as if I couldn't breathe.

"Please...", Mama whispered. Ben said nothing and didn't look at me. Jackie opened her mouth and then closed it. Mama reached her hand out.

"No, just no. You hurt me, lied to me, betrayed me! I hate you and I'll never forget this. Don't come looking for me." At that I ran out and ran blindly towards the river bank. I tripped and started weeping as the river rushed in front of me. I don't know how long I stayed like that. But as I got up and looked across the river towards the woods, an idea struck me. It was then that I started planning. Planning for my escape. I admit I'll miss everyone, especially Sarah, but I can't stay here any longer. I'm a prisoner of labor and memories. There's a gala in two months. I'll leave that night with supplies. Maybe this make me a sinner, but I think I'm starting my life. I know I'm black and that what I'm doing is illegal, but the laws aren't fair and I refuse to serve a killer. I won't meet my demise like Tommy. No, I'll be successful and free.

Emile Lockery