Chasing Rose

VI: A Plan Unknown

It is a strange thing, to think that one of the weapons I feared might be used against me will be- by my own hand! 

My hand does not shake so much when holding a quill. I have great sense for numbers, Jacob says- I can add and subtract easily. Yet my letters still quiver in their holdings, and the ink still blots itself. Won't I have servants to do this for me? Why must I learn to write- I read perfectly well. For someone who has learned only in the past fortnight, that is.

I must learn, though. Aelis depends on it. She must learn. Even if I get cramps in my hand and rigidness in my fingers- oh, she'll learn it.

Won't she?

*****

"No, go down just a little bit- yes, that's it!" We're both exhausted: Aelis from a day's work and I from the sudden learning I have had to do. Yet her determination never wavers. She sits hunched over the parchment, fair brow furrowed, learning. She's made great progress in the last week, reading and writing, but has no sense for numbers. I remember Jacob's smile when he said I did. I remember how proud I was of myself. I remember looking at him and seeing that he was proud of me too. 

"Is this right?" Aelis asks anxiously, pointing to her writing.

It is written shakily and the quill was pressed too forcefully, but the letters are there and they are of somewhat uniform size.

"Yes- don't press so hard on the quill next time."

She sighs. "I don't understand why it's so strict," she groans. "It's enough to deter me from being lady of the house."

I laugh. "Enough to deter you from marrying Master Jacob?"

She laughs. "Oh, no. I'd marry him even if I had to be a gong farmer's wife."

"Can't you imagine that?" I laugh too. "Master Jacob as a gong farmer."

Somehow, the image of Master Jacob Le- Attendre in his fancy robes comes to me. He is covered from the waist down in- oh, no, I shall not think of that. But it makes me laugh!

"Oh, I can't imagine it." She smiles, but laughs only a little bit. 

"You do not picture yourself married to Jacob? Or perhaps-" I raise my eyebrows in a joking manner- "you are married to both?"

Her mouth goes wide. With one hand she claps over her gaping lips, with the other she pushes me, laughing. "Ida! Such talk!"

"I'm a heretic, Aelis; you may as well understand that."

She laughs harder, throwing her dainty fair head back, and lifting her hand from her mouth. "Stop, I- Ida, I'm going to faint!"

I see something then. It is the purple of a bruise on her wrist, where her sleeve falls back for a moment. I grab at it.

Immediately her laughter stops as I pull up her sleeve farther.

"Who did this?"

She yanks her arm away. "The lord. I upset him."

"Doing what?"

She stands, setting down the quill. "I really must retire. I shall see you at dawn."

"Goodnight."

The door closes behind her. I put away her parchment and climb into bed, blowing out the candle.

"If this works, Aelis," I whisper to the darkness, "you won't be the lady of the house. Married to Jacob, ay, but never the lady of the house."

What will become of me once this is over? It is only a few days from now that the wedding shall occur. I hope to be long gone by then, back home.

But I burrow beneath my warm woolen blankets, safe from the wind and rain outside, and wonder if I truly wish to execute such a plan.

And I see her bruise again- large and dark on her pale skin. If she were to do this, to marry Jacob... what would Lord Bennet do to her? He has no issue killing his son - the remembrance of his plan makes me shiver and gulp- and I am certain killing a servant girl on a masquerade would be no issue.

*****

The day dawns bright and clear- though windy. I'd know- I woke to the windows shaking, long before dawn. Aelis helped me dress for morning Mass as the sun rose and still they shook. I shook too.

Not for cold, no, though the stone walls still gave off their usual chill. I don't know why I shook. Maybe it was because I'd never been so nervous in all my life. There were three days to complete my plan. Three days- precious little.

All through Mass the windows rattled. We pretended not to take notice. When I sat in the solar for my lessons that day they had stopped, but I was still shaking.

Jacob shook his head.

"Stop- these letters are wrong and they shake terribly so I can hardly read them. And the numbers-" He looks at me, searching. "You're shaking," he notes, taking my hand. I pull away. "Ida-"

He falls silent and takes my hand again. "What's wrong?" 

I let him keep my hand. I want to tell him that there's a plan that involves me disguising my lady's maid as me. I want to tell him that they're going to be happy. I want to tell him that so badly.

His hand is warm and large. I feel secure in it.

"Nothing. I'm only a bit cold."

"Oh." He doesn't let go of my gaze or my hand. I can feel my cheeks blossom, can feel them turn to scarlet roses, but I cannot force myself to drop my eyes nor tear away my hand.

Silence ensues. His eyes are indeed green- deep and dark as the forest pool I saw woven into a tapestry. The one that will hang above my bed, in fact, when it is finished. I saw it still on the loom yesterday, when I was sneaking about, and regretted that I wouldn't be here to enjoy it. Wouldn't I?

His lips part to speak but nothing comes out. They don't move. They just part- unsaid words waiting, but dying- and then I open mine.

"It's not so cold anymore," I whisper. Our eyes are still locked- some sort of tension rises between our hands- something warm sends a shiver through me. "It's never as cold as it is at home."

"Isn't this home now?" he replies in almost silence. 

I smile the littlest bit. This castle, this stormproof castle, this stronghold, is my home.

I think again of the hut I was born in. I think of how the roof leaked and the thatching would rot. I remember Mother laughing about it and then crying because there was not way to get it replaced. I remember her laugh. I remember how we cried for hunger and cold in the winter.

"It is."

And somehow, with that, I know that I will not be going back there. The hut, my loom, the frigid air- that's all so far behind me now.