"A small talk" by "Hina Tariq Butt"

A small talk

"You see? People just love the feeling of being loved. They don't love you back."
She told me an ugly truth which no one wants to admit. She wasn't insane. I swear she wasn't.
"Dr. Mohid, she is not in her senses. You are wasting your time," said the head nurse.
"Would you please go outside?" The head nurse left and went straight to my father.
"Dr Rayyan, he is still in there. I have told him about that girl but he still wants to waste his time."
"He won't listen to me either. Let him do whatever he wants," my father replied.
"What's your name?" I asked.
"It doesn't matter. Nothing matters. Nothing."
"Well, I may help you."
"You?"
She started laughing madly. I was looking at her face and then after a minute or two, I could see her eyes fill up with tears.
"You think you can help me? No. No one can save me from this chaos. This is what I deserve. This is what I chose."
She was sobbing now.
"Why do you think you deserve this?"
She remained silent.
"Do you know why are you here?"
"Yes."
"Then tell me why you're here."
"Have you ever locked yourself in a cage?"
"What? No."
"It's safe to imprison yourself before someone else does that. I have also locked myself. I like this cage. Can you see it? How can you see it? It's mine. I have created it. It's beautiful."
She was smiling and it was so soothing to watch her smile. Suddenly that smile faded away. She looked at me sternly and said,
"Who? Who are you? I know you are here to unlock me. Get out. I won't let you open me. Just get out."
She started shouting. Head nurse came in and sedated her with a tranquilizer. I had to get out before she saw me again.
I couldn't sleep that night. I knew she was in pain. Something was bothering her. I had never seen such sad eyes before. She was hardly 22. Nurse had told me that she was married and had a baby boy. No one ever visited her. She had been living in the asylum for the last 2 years and had never harmed anyone.
Next day, I went to the asylum again to meet her. She was not in her room. I asked the nurse about her. She led me to a room full of balloons and children. She was sitting in the center of room with children all around her. She was telling them a story. I remained in a corner and listened to her story.
"That big monster came in and snatched her baby. She cried as loud as she could but no one came to help her. He locked her in a room and her baby in another. After a while he came back with her baby in his one hand and a knife in another. She stopped breathing. That monster was so scary. He was going to kill her baby in front of her. She begged him not to harm her child. She couldn't move since he had tied her legs with the bed. And then..."
When she didn't say anything for 5 minutes, one of the kids asked,
"Then what happened?"
"Oh I have to go now. Goodbye."
And she left the room.
"She never completes this story," one of them complained.
To my surprise, they were all healthy kids. None of them had any illness. I asked the nurse in the room about them. She said this room is part of refuge center of asylum. It has been built solely for homeless children. The nurse kept on talking but my mind was still in the unfinished story that I had just heard.
I went to see her but the head nurse stopped me from entering the room. She said that Aniyaaa is not in a fit state to meet anyone. I could hear her crying. I didn't ask her why was she crying but in that moment, I was damn sure that everyone in that asylum knew that Aniyaaa was not mad.
I waited for 5 hours.
The head nurse came to my office and informed me that I could meet Aniyaaa.
After 2 minutes I was standing outside her room. I knocked at the door and went in.
She was lying flat on the couch. I sat in a chair close to her.
"I know you are not insane."
She didn't say anything but as tears rolled down her cheeks, they were enough to describe what words couldn't.
"Please go away," she said.
"I really want to help you. I know this is painful but you have to be brave. Tell me why you are here? You are not sick. Why don't you just go back to your family? And what was that story you were telling to the kids? Who was that monster?"
And then I regretted saying these words because what she told me after that nearly killed me. I felt like the weakest person alive. She actually was the bravest girl I've ever seen. And I told her to be brave. Shame on me. How can one hold so much pain inside and still breathe normally?
"You must not think that I'm not insane because I am."
She looked at me solemnly and said,
"Everyone says that I'm a psycho."
She stood up and went to the window. I could no longer see her face.
"My father loved me so much but in these 2 years, he didn't even bother to see me. My mother was everything for me. I had never imagined that she could ever leave me like this.”
She turned away and dragged herself along the wall to sit on the ground.
"Before sending me here, my mother said loudly to everyone that Aniyaaa is mentally sick and she belongs in a mental asylum. How could she not believe me? At least she should have listened to me. I kept on saying, ‘I’m not sick. Please don't make me go!’ But she didn't stop them. I was all alone. They dragged me here."
She looked scared. She was a great chaotic mess who was still trying to deal with everything that had tormented her.
Then her expressions softened.
"Soon I realized that I deserve to be here. This was the best gift I got after my...after my soul piece."
She wasn't crying now. She was lost in her memories.
"My son was the best thing that had ever happened to me. I could never thank my Almighty enough for blessing me with him. But then reality slapped me harder than I could ever think of. That monster destroyed our lives."
I could see anger flash in her eyes along with the pain. She again started crying.
"These children always ask me what happened next. How can I tell them? How can I tell them what he did to my child? He didn't kill my baby. He raped him. He raped him twice in front of me. He... He was my husband. He did this to his own son who was only 1 year old. How can one be so disgusting? I saw my poor soul bitten by that paedophile. All I could do was cry.”
She looked miserable with the sadness of this whole world imprinted on her face.
"But the next day, he locked us in the same room. My legs were still tied to the bed. I could see my child but not touch him. I begged that creepy rascal to let me hold my child. He said, ‘Okay but for a few minutes only.’ And he left the room."
She was biting her nails.
"That was my only opportunity to save my child. I had no other option. I suffocated him with a pillow. I locked him in a beautiful cage of death. I saved my child."
I couldn't breathe. I was crying. I couldn't stay any longer but she wasn't finished yet.
"He was enraged by this. He took me to my parents and told them that I'd gone mad and had killed my baby because of my insanity. I tried to tell everyone that he's the real culprit but no one believed me. Everybody started accusing me and beating me for what I did. I was shouting but no one listened to me. They locked me in a small dark room. They didn't even let me see my child for the last time and told everyone that the baby died of pneumonia.
Those were the worst days of my life. They offered me minimum food. To them, I was the monster. They had told everyone in the family that I was still in shock and didn't want to meet anyone.
Days passed. I started acting weirdly. How can you stay normal after being traumatized in this way? All I wanted was some kind words and affection from my family but they threw me from the safe bridge of sanity into the deep ocean of madness. I started losing my mind. I became filthy. I began to live like an animal; shit in my clothes. Since I had no one to talk to, I made a friend. An imaginary friend. He told me he'd travel back in time and save my child. He said that he believed in me when no one else did. But when I told them that I'd got a friend, they tried to separate me from him too. They called a baba to cure me. He was exactly like my husband."
She was crying hysterically and I couldn't say anything comforting. After a long pause she said,
"One day, they left me alone with that fake aamil baba and went to attend a wedding. He took advantage of this and called someone to savor my flesh. I shouted for help but no one came. They left me bleeding on the floor. I got sick, really sick. No one called the doctor. I couldn't move without help and I had no one to help me either.
Then the day came when they brought me to this asylum. Here I recovered within 9 months. They never asked after my health. Now this is my actual home. I still go crazy sometimes but I like the way I am. At least I'm safe."
She took a deep breath and looked at me.
"You said you could help me. No, you can't."
She stopped speaking and closed her eyes.
Her words tore at my heart. I went home.
Next day I got a call from asylum.
"Aniyaaa died," said the head nurse.
I dropped my phone and hurried to the asylum.
She had really died. She escaped from her aching memories. She was free. I unlocked Aniyaaa. But I couldn't save her. Now I know the difference.
I was again breathing in the present.
"I couldn't help her. Her words still echo in my mind."
I was staring in space when my daughter said,
"Baba will you save me if I go crazy like Aniyaaa?"
My heart skipped a beat. I wanted to say yes but I couldn't say anything.
And then she left me alone in the room with the smoke of regret that I can never save myself from.