also very much trigger warning ⚠️
25/6/17
today was the day. i thought i would start a journal to express the joy and love i feel now that i'm soon to be wed to my baby tilly. if i could, i'd write a song, but i'm too nervous. nervous not only about our future, but about tomorrow. i'm afraid connor is going to ruin everything, and drag tilly down with me. i can't let that happen. i won't. i'd rather go down alone.
26/6/17
let's just say i was right. connor brought me down, that's for damn sure. tyler is upset at me, i know, but i love him more than i've ever loved anyone. i'm losing thousands of followers, thousands of subscribers, but idfc. or do i? did i propose just to pretend my feelings for connor didn't exist? because they do. i'm going to see him tonight. to talk this out.
27/6/17
it got physical last night. i drank, i vaped, called, went to his house, punched him a few times. he held my hands to stop the punches, then i pushed him against the wall and started kissing him. he stopped and asked what the ring was. i ran home. i seen tyler's razor sitting on the bathtub. i took out the blade, and all along my stomach i got out my pain. the double edged blade felt better than the lies i told myself that night
28/6/17
he noticed the cuts. he asked about them, and i told them connor got a cat. i don't think he believed me
29/6/17
i haven't spoken to connor since i ran. he hasn't reached out, and i haven't either. tyler and i are good. almost as good before my fame went in the toilet. well, it's spiraling like shit does, but it's not quiet down the drain yet
30/6/17
i did it again. i vaped, i drank, and i let the blade comfort me again. this time in my thighs. there was more blood, but that made me feel less shitty :-)
1/7/17
this time tyler didn't notice the cuts because i wouldn't take my boxers off. we just cuddled and laughed. he's great, i'm fine. deleted my twitter a few days ago, the only thing i have left is youtube, and i'm saving that for the day i'm going to tell the world about my engagement. if anyone cares anymore
2/7/17
connor reached out to me. asked why tyler asked if he had a cat. he lied for me and said he did. said he was going to come see me today and we were going to talk about it. he came while tyler went out with korey. connor seen the cuts on my thighs. he made me show him. the cuts on my stomach were scars, but he still cried. i told him he was too beautiful to cry. he kissed me everywhere tonight
3/7/17
thank god connor left before tyler had any suspicions. i feel like i'm reliving back in the days when i was stuck between these two boys at my school, the reason i wrote gasoline back in the day. tyler and i fought because he seen my thighs. he told me he knew connor didn't have a cat and he was going to get me help
4/7/17
it's the fourth of july today, it's a really big thing here in america. we went to meet all of tilly's family, told them we were engaged, due to be wed on my 23rd birthday. they were really happy for us, and for a moment i was too. tyler and i lied under the stars and talked about my mental health. i told him what i did was stupid, and i wouldn't do it again. he threw out all the razors & booze. told me he missed the old me, and he didn't know what happened
5/7/17
i miss the old me too
6/7/17
i'm gonna take a break from writing, considering i'm doing really well. been alcohol free, my cuts are scars, now i just vape and fuck my baby, thinking about connor every once in a while when i'm inside tyler
21/7/17
it's been a while, hasn't it? well, i'm officially cheating on my fiancé. every time connor and i fuck i take off my engagement ring. i bottom with connor. i got a phone call today, unsure of who it was from, so i didn't answer. i went right back to being fucked, then came back home to my fiancée to get it again. love my life. :-)
22/7/17
turns out it was my old friend lucas. the hospital had a riot, because meyer got killed "on accident". he escaped, and he called me to talk him out of suicide. last night when i didn't answer, he thought i didn't care anymore, so he jumped off a cliff with his wrists slit. fml
25/7/17
they found lucas' body today. tyler asked if i knew him. i lied and said i had never seen his face before
26/7/17
i broke things off with connor today. i wanted to straighten myself up, be who i was a month ago and be committed to my one and only fiancé. connor said he understood, and now tilly and i are almost as good as we were a month ago
27/7/17
since lucas had no family they had no funeral. buried his body with a rock instead of a headstone. i could have quite possibly saved his life, but i was too busy cheating
28/8/17
i went to where lucas was buried. wasn't too far from where he died. there was still blood on the grass
29/7/17
i don't want to be here anymore. i let one of my best friends die because i was cheating on my soon to be husband because i'm a piece of shit. that should have been me.
30/7/17
To whom it may concern,
My name is Troye Sivan Mellet. I am homosexual. I love my fiancé Michael Tyler Oakley. I was an artist, a YouTuber, an overall happy adult. But things changed. I took too many pills one night, then I was sent to a hospital I shouldn't even have been to. I made friends. Two of them died. I have taken 237 pills. Some Tylenol, some my anti anxiety, some my depression. I have slit my wrists, vertically, just like my fallen brother Lucas did. I did this because of all my mistakes within the last month. I cheated on my dearly beloved, because deep down I knew he could do better and I wanted to love someone more my level. The one I cheated with fell in love with me, and I left him, because that is how much of a piece of shit I am. Here I stand, on this California cliff, with blood pouring on the grass, my legs losing balance, saying I love you. I love you fans I've had over the years, I love you mom, dad, sister, brother. I love you fiancé who I shouldn't have been as so selfish to do this to months before our wedding. And lastly, I love you. If you're up here thinking what I did, don't, because no one deserves to feel the pain I will feel except me.
