Kill or be Killed (OLD AND BAD)

Bee Puns Save Lives

"Well. We found your damn makeup. And it took a while, too. What now?" I glare at Mettaton. He bends over and picks me up. "We're going to the surface, darling." Of course. He had to choose the most humiliating way to transport me. He was gonna carry me while he jetpacked to the frikkin surface. And then I had to go on his comedy show. And, let me tell you, I'm not good at comedy. That joke, if you didn't notice, sucked. So either I'm gonna get booed off stage right away, or spend an hour telling jokes worthy of Sans. And not in a good way.

*MTT-brand time skip*

I gape at the hole in the ceiling as we fly up. "Holy crap, that's huge. ... how come that one long-neck dog wasn't able to get out right when you were sealed here?" Mettaton looks down at me. "I don't know." Damn. Why so confident if you don't know? We fly on in silence. As we exit the underground, I gasp. Holy... wow. Oh wow. I can't believe how huge the surface is. I can't even see it all. Of course, Mettaton ruins the moment by going into full drive. I can barely see for a few seconds, and then we're on the roof of his studio. He already has a studio after only a month. Damn. I stare down off the edge of the building. "How are we gonna get in?" I ask. He grins. A panel opens in the roof. "I have my ways." I struggle to get to the hole, before I realize he's still holding me. "Let. Me. The. Hell. Down." I state. He lets me go. I step onto the roof and unceremoniously walk to the hole and jump in. Below is a fancy dressing room. Mettaton lands next to me a moment later. I glare at him. "Please tell me I'm not gonna have to wear some crappy makeup like yours." He shakes his head. "Of course not, darling. Just pick out anything if you want. You're up in ten minutes." He proceeds to open a hole in the floor and drop down to the floor underneath, leaving me alone to ponder how the heck I'm gonna survive this comedy show of death. I'm probably gonna die soon. Why not look around? I stroll though the room, glancing at racks of clothes, mostly things that I would never wear. In the back of the room is a leather vest and a cowboy hat. I grab the vest and put it on over my yellow t-shirt. I put the hat on over my short, spiky, hair. And I realize something. If I might die, I might as well have some fun. I always did like comedy, even though I sucked at it. ... Probably because of Sans. Being exposed to all those puns does not do good things for you. But, hey, I'll give it my all. Before I know it, Mettaton is back. "Are you ready?" He asks. I grin. "It's showtime."

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I'm scared as hell as I'm lowed down to the stage. But I'm not letting that show. Not on live TV. Finally, I reach a dark room, and the lowering stops. All of a sudden, lights flash on all around me. I'm surrounded by cheering monsters and humans alike. I'm standing at a small podium with a microphone standing on top. Mettaton slides up beside me. He grabs the microphone. Rude. "Attention, beauties and gentlebeauties! Here on Comedy With A Killer Robot, we have a new contestant! Is she good enough? You decide!" And with that he moonwalks away, leaving me to try and be funny. I chuckle nervously. "Well, then. I was only given ten minutes to prepare, soooooooo... don't expect too much, but... uh, hive got a lot of bee puns." Dead silence. "Aren't they beeutiful?" A few people snicker. "Aw, don't bee like that. I spent a while thinking these up." ... "Ya know what, I'm gonna tell a real joke. Y'all know our fabulous host, Mettaton. There are some people out there who hate his guts. And I don't agree with them, but it did give me an opportunity to come up with a joke. But... I don't think he'll like it... well?! What do you think?! Should I tell it?!" The audience cheers. I grin evilly. "All right. Here goes. Mettaton walks into a classroom." Mettaton perks up at the sound of his own name. I smirk at him and mouth this is payback for carrying me all the way here. "The class is in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mettaton if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy" and he agrees. 'Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?' he asks. A little boy raises his hand. 'If my best friend, who lives in Hotland, tripped, and fell into the core, it would be a tragedy.' 'No.' Says Mettaton. 'That would be a great loss.' A little girl raises her hand. 'If a group of children were walking through Waterfall, and the bridge they were walking on broke, causing them to fall to their deaths, that would be a tragedy.' 'No.' Mettaton says. 'That would be a great loss.' Nobody else raises their hand. 'Can anyone give m an example of a tragedy?' Mettaton asks. Finally, in the back of the room, Chara raises her hand. "If you made it to the surface and were using your fancy-ass jetpack to fly and got struck down by a homing missile, blowing you to smithereens, it would be a tragedy.' 'Yes!' Mettaton exclaims. 'And could you tell me why this would be a tragedy?' Chara waits a second, and then responds. 'Because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss, and it probably wouldn't be an accident either.'" I bow. The crowd goes wild. Mettaton glares at me an jerks his thumb across his throat. "Of course," I add, "we all know that isn't true. Chara is a crazy psychopath. And Mettaton really does care. I think we all know he would except those answers as tragedies." Time for the big guns. Gotta end it on a big note. I had done some research on Mettaton, and due to my expert matchmaking skills... well. I know something pretty embarrassing. I can read subtext real good. "And... anyone named Papyrus here?" Mettaton seems to catch my drift and gets up to stop me. "If there is, please tell me... would you smooch a ghost?" The entire audience bursts out laughing louder than I've ever heard. Mettaton grabs me and tosses me aside, his face red. Don't even ask me how robots can blush. "That last bit... I don't even know a Papyrus." At this point a skeleton stands up in the crowd. "Mettaton! You don't remember me? I'm your number one fan!" I cackle in the background. Mettaton tries, and fails to put on a straight face. "Um. Okay. Maybe I do know a Papyrus." I get up and walk over, picking up the microphone. "I was joking. One last joke." I announce, sparing Mettaton from any more embarrassment. I turn and whisper to him. "Hey, look at those ratings! Never been higher." He glares. "Action, romance, bloodshed. Like you always say. Plus, that just got you a lot more popularity." I turn to the audience and bow. And let me tell you, with the crowd roaring like that, I felt like I was on top of the world.