Swan 2

3. Anything

3. Anything

I could feel myself disconnecting. Maybe it was the way I lagged behind the group of friends I'd come to love. Or the way I slowly became less and less interested in the conversations I was forced to be a part of. The process wasn't as painful as I had expected. In fact, it was painless. Instead of pain, I could feel a wave of goosebumps ripple throughout my body. It wasn't exactly pleasant, but it was better than the darkness creeping back in again.

My 3rd year of going to warped tour was coming up, as well as my 16th birthday. There was absolutely no excitement for these events in my heart and mind. All I could think about was how this was my 3rd year of running around a parking lot full of bands made up of strangers I was slowly losing passion for and how it was my 16th year of this hell of a life I was living. But at least I was still alive. Physically, that is. Mentally, I was completely dormant.

And in a strange way, death seemed extremely beautiful. What would happen to my body once my soul had left it? Would they bury me deep within the earth's crust and would flowers grow in my head and chest where my darkness had once resided? Or maybe they'd cremate me and let my ashes go in the wind. And I'd travel the world in little pieces. I knew death wouldn't be so kind to me, but I liked to think it would be.

And so here I was at warped tour, following behind my friends like a puppy dog. Tyler and Sydney seemed more wrapped up in themselves than usual. So wrapped up, that Tyler seemed to have forgotten about my existence entirely. I looked to Zane for company, but he was occupied with one of his best friends; Jake. Jake had been the kid who'd brought the whiskey to the party I'd gone to during winter break. It felt as if it'd been years ago but it'd only been about half a year. Jake and I didn't really connect as friends, in fact, I was a bit intimidated by the kid. I mean, what 15 year old girl wouldn't be a bit intimidated by a 20 year old alcoholic? Maybe the same girl who'd fallen in love with a 19 year old stoner.

I followed Tyler, Sydney, Zane, and Jake around the venue, watching the guys mosh and standing next to Sydney at the back of crowds as she instagramed bands and took videos. I stared at girls and some dudes falling over themselves to just brush their fingers against a band member, remembering how I'd been the same way when I was 12 yet here were 20 year olds with the same mentality. But who was I to judge another's lifestyle? The girl who wanted to die at 15 due to a really terrible trip on some laced weed.

There'd been a point that Zane's bag broke in the pit and he had begged me to hold onto it so he could continue to mosh. And me being an idiot, I held onto it. And all the while, as I held this bag, his attention was everywhere but on me.

It was then when I realized, what the fuck was I doing? This wasn't me. I wasn't one to be serving others and following people around. I was a leader, and I did what made me happy for me. And fuck, if Zane wouldn't like me because I wasn't dependent on him, then maybe he wasn't right for me. And so, on the spot, I handed Zane back his bag and abandoned them all. I wouldn't be stuck with people I felt alone with, no matter who they were. I went to go find Kate in the crowd.

***

Later on, I bumped into Zane once again while I was with Kate. It was sort of an annual tradition that Zane got lost in the crowd and was separated from everyone sometime during the day in warped tour. And so Zane and I ended up venturing to go see Crown The Empire and find his group while Kate went on with her group.

I didn't listen to Crown The Empire much, but it seemed Zane did, assuming from the fact he knew every word to every song they played. And even as I watched him sing and laugh and mosh and he protected me from the majorly aggressive crowd so late at night, I felt so disconnected from him. So lost. I was so much more in love with him than ever before. And we always talked and laughed together and we knew so much about one another...but did we really connect? Were we comfortable with each other? And so the night ended with the last line of the last song the band played; "is there anything...? Is there anything...?"