Hey...
I know we have an arguement and it hurted me because of the words you said but I didn't mean to make you feel guilty...
I just posted it on my status is because I'm depressed and also drunk.
I regret putting it on my status and make you feel guilty.
When I read that you're so sorry because of what you did, I felt guilt building inside of me.
Why? Because I'm one off the reasons why you're depressed and guilty because of the way I act.
I know you're damaged and you also know I'm also damaged.
I hate myself because you're blaming it all to yourself when you don't realize that it's also my fault.
I became to selfish to even think of your feelings when we got into the arguement.
It hurts me to know that you're telling yourself that you're weak.
Do you know why I always want you to smile or be happy or to feel special even just on the internet and maybe, just maybe, forget the whole world with me? It's because I never felt all of that when she left me.
I have already forgiven you so stop thinking that I won't forgive you.
I would never take back the words I've said to you to become happy because I know you deserve it.
You're worth dying for because I know their is something very special inside you.
You're not stupid nor an idiot nor worthless nor a nobody nor ugly nor karma nor every bad thing you would say you are because I told you already, you're special. Special to me...
Please don't try to kill yourself because I will also die.
You also need everything you said I need...
You're right, I'm sensitive. Everything can go right through my heart. I'm like this is because I'm depressed. I may be that happy person you always talk to but I'm not.
I don't want you to live in despair. I want you to finish your studies, get a diploma and live your life to the fullest because I can't do any of that.
Remember those Filipino words I've said to you?
Everything I've said that is Filipino, I mean it.
I don't want you making your life a living hell because you can still straighten your life. I can't.
Remember when I've said to you 'Mahal kita'?
I mean it.
The thing is, I'm planning that when I've straighten out my life a bit and was able to talk to you, I would ask you to be someone special to me. To become m-
.
.
I can't say it. Why? I don't have the balls to ask you.
Even just on the internet, I want to make you someone special. To me.
I never realised that I became a selfish bitch that doesn't care about other people's feelings when I'm straightening my life.
Every time you said that you want to hurt yourself breaks my heart.
Do you remember when I said that it doesn't matter if you said to me that I'm scary, or I'm a monster or a demon?
It's because I have created a moster and that monster lives inside of me.
And that moster should be killed which means it's either I die or kill myself...
And I'm thinking to choose the second option...
And when you blamed yourself, the urge to do it is so intense that I need to cut myself in my chest just to control the urge to cut myself at my wrist...
I'm still thinking to wether wait for my time to come up or just end it now...
I know that the word 'sorry' would mean nothing to you but I just want you to know what I want to tell you and my feelings for you.
I'm sorry...
