the late night thoughts that are drowning me

drown

i cant breathe. my chest is tight and everything feels wrong. you aren't here, where are you? i need you. come back. please don't leave me. the monsters are dragging me further down and its getting worse i can't see clearly everything is a blur and i am in the corner on the ground surrounded by the darkness. i have lost my grip on reality. where am i? what is real? is anything real or is it all just figments of my imagination? who am i? who are you? why can't i breathe? what is wrong with me? i did not ask for this, I DIDN'T ASK FOR THIS. WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? I NEVER WANTED HIM TO DIE OR TO FALL IN LOVE ONLY FOR HIM TO BE LEAVING FOR THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD. IS THIS SOME SICK JOKE? WHY DO YOU HATE ME SO MUCH? I JUST WANTED HAPPINESS AND I FOUND IT FOR A WHILE THEN YOU TOOK HIM. YOU TAKE THEM ALL. THERE WAS A REASON I DIDN'T WANT TO FALL IN LOVE EVER. I DIDN'T WANT TO BE HURT AGAIN, I DIDN'T WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY OVER SOMEONE. I DIDN'T WANT TO RISK LOSING SOMEONE SO IMPORTANT TO ME THAT THE SECOND THEY STEP AWAY I CANT BREATHE ANYMORE. YOU ARE MY AIR AND YOU AREN'T HERE. THE LONGER I AM AWAY FROM YOU THE FURTHER I SINK. PHONE CALLS AND SMALL CONVERSATIONS STOP ME FROM FALLING FURTHER THAN I AM. I NEED YOU. YOU AREN'T HERE. BOTH OF YOU. YOU BOTH LEFT. NEITHER WITH A CHOICE. THE 2 MOST IMPORTANT MEN IN MY LIFE GONE. ONE I WILL SEE AGAIN. THE OTHER DEAD. HE IS GONE FOREVER AND YOU ARE GONE FOR YEARS. 2 YEARS AT LEAST. I NEED YOU. I MISS YOU. DON'T LET ME SINK. PLEASE. I BEG YOU. YOU ARE ALL THAT IS KEEPING ME ALIVE. IT HURTS. IT HURTS SO MUCH AND THE PRESSURE IS TOO MUCH. BUT I MUST SURVIVE TO SEE YOU AGAIN. THAT IS ALL THAT KEEPS ME WANTING TO BE ALIVE. I MUST HOLD YOU AGAIN. i must. i just must.