the late night thoughts that are drowning me

10:39

it's 10:39 you've been off line for 32 minutes. we don't have much time to talk anymore. it is hard. i am trying to adjust from talking to you for hours every day, every moment that i was awake and now i am lucky to get 20 minutes in the morning and an hour in the evening. this whole different time zone things is horrible. 14 hours. it is late for me when its day for you and when it is morning for me it is rather late for you. i listen to 90's rock music and cry a lot. i can't sleep. i don't fall asleep i comatose state. not awake but not asleep. i don't generally remember my dreams unless i am in the state. the state is dangerous. my brain has control. it takes over, makes all my biggest fears reality. 2 nights ago it happened and i remember parts of what it haunted me with. you were there so were our friends, like 2 of them, we were in a food court somewhere on raised bar stool type seats around a table. it almost reminds me of the mall seats in that one part and the international airport terminal. that is minor details though. we fought or something happened and whatever happened left me feeling so distressed and anxious. the dreams i can recall from my life are always nightmares. this was a nightmare that felt real. the realness awakening me . i was scared. i was stressed. i did not know what was real and what my mind was making up in that moment. the fear of losing you was so real. my mind was playing on the biggest fear in my life right now. i can not lose you. i will completely break, fall and smash. i am already broken, please don't break me anymore. i couldn't handle it. i need you so much. its 10:51 now and my back hurts. everything seems to hurt. why does it hurt so much? i miss you. please don't forget me. i will never forget you. forgetting the person i love most is simply impossible. i love you more than i have ever loved anything or anyone before. i love you more than anything in this fucking universe. i love you now and love never ends. love is forever. i will love you forever. it has been 48 minutes since you left. the moment you hung up i wished to see your face and hear your voice again. every time that you have to go or suddenly leave i get sad i want to talk to you all the time but that is quit simply unrealistic and its hard. i will get used to it. one day. probably like the day before i get to see you again. you are amazing and incredible and so fucking adorable. i am sorry that i am such a mess all the time i promise i don't want to be it is just me and i am a mess. i am overly emotional and honestly you are too amazing. i cried cause you seened me cause you did not think i would be awake that early but i cant sleep at the moment because i am scared of myself. i cried because you disappeared and then you came back only to say you were sleeping and so i cried again. i cry too much sometimes but other times i can't cry at all i just hurt. my head hurts all the time and my chest is heavy. it gets hard to breathe. short sharp struggled breaths as i gasp for air. screaming. crying. throwing things at the wall. sad, mad, simply insane. i have no energy. all i do is lay here. music up loud wishing i could move. it takes 10 minutes to convince myself to go to the bathroom or get a drink. i take ages to reply to anyone that isn't you. you come and go offline, you didn't reply but you were active. i cried some more. 58 minutes down with almost no tears shed, be proud. it is because we called for a long time for the first time this week. it helped. those long calls are what i live for. the nights where we don't talk much are usually the hardest.  and you probably won't be online much if all tomorrow i assume because its your brothers birthday. another day to struggle through added to this week. this week has been the hardest week in my life since he died. i cannot remember the last week this bad. or the last time i cried this much over this many days. i don't thing you are coming back on tonight. oh well i guess i will survive. i am putting off sleeping. i don't know whats more incentive to not sleep, waiting to see if you will come online or simply being too scared to sleep. i am scared of my brain and what it does to me. i am a broken soul that just needs love and attention. i need to hug you. i crave your lips all the time. i think of how kissing you feels. how much i love the feel of you laying beside me. i can almost hear us laughing. almost feel you touching me. your lips on mine. holding me tight. you left me with all the memories surrounding me. you have few things to remind you of me, just things you need to show me one day when i escape this town. we face different challenges in dealing with the separation. you have a busy life. i have no life. i think of you every minute every day. even though i don't recall my dreams my nightmare is proof i think of you even when i sleep. my childhood nightmares were recurring even though i didn't always remember them i know i had the same dream over again or same variation of a dream. i cannot think of anything else that i could ever dream of. you are all i thing of. all i long for. all i miss. i think of when i will see you again. how i will run to you and i will never let you go for so long again. will we kiss in that moment or will we just hug holding each other tighter than ever before. you said it is only a few months but babe 2-3 years is not a few months in my world. that is years. when we are down to only 12 months left i will start counting down the months. before then months is not the term i will use. saying months almost feels like i should be seeing you soon and i could not handle the thought when i realize that it is actually 24 or more months before i can touch you again. i need to touch you. to cuddle. to talk about nothing but everything and anything. you were back on for a minute or two. it is 11:29. i love you so much. please remember me. i hope you think of me all the time. i pray you won't forget me and that we will last forever. i need you. forever. i love you. forever. you send me pictures of food you are making and it makes me hungry but you are cute so it is okay i guess and i am tired it is 11:37. by this point i am just rambling and making little to no sense. i am sorry. ahhhhhhhhhh. i am always sorry for something. i am just scared of not being good enough and the last few nights the voice has told me no one cares. it says that you don't care. it finds something small and stupid to determine if you love me and care about me or not and it always finds something to say that you don't love me. in reality i know you love me. why would you still be with me after this last month through all this emotional turmoil. why would you stay with the wreck i am if you don't love me? you would not. no one would. i am the kind of person that is not worth sticking around for if you don't truly love me because i am a mess. if you wanted to leave me you would have by now. i believe you would have never stuck around for this long. we had 3 weeks apart before. they were hard but we made it. you would have left then. i love you so fucking much. you make me so happy even from the other side of the world. you are such a cutie. you're leaving again. it is 11:47. i will not cry this time. i am too happy and content with life. i am not crying. you are gone and i am not crying. i will get through tonight without breaking down again hopefully. the debate of whether to wear your hoodie all night or not is a hard one but i know i will get too hot and wake up and i need to not wake up. one good night sleep this week would be nice after 3 terrible nights. i haven't slept this badly in a long time. my whole life just smashed when you left and i only just finished gluing it back together. but you are still alive. you are breathing. you are hopefully having a good time with your family. you're being the most adorable person i will ever know. 11:53 i dare to get ready and sleep now. i love you. have a good day.