Being Christian

Chapter One - Christian

My name is Christian Grey and I'm fifty shades of fucked up.  Fifty Shades fucked up...Yeah that's me.  Why do I feel like I'm in a fucking group therapy? Been there done that, bought the tee-shirt.

You see, I've been going to therapy on and off over the years trying to kick my regrets and my hang ups. but I can't let them go. Sometimes I wonder if I want to let them go. It keeps me connected to the past - it's a past I only remember bits and pieces. Grace, the only mother I really know, the woman who saved me when she adopted me, always tells me it is a blessing that I don't remember. But is it really? I'm plagued with nightmares almost every night.

The biggest regret and my worst hang up is my birth mother's death. It haunts me. I was just a little boy when she passed away and all I did was hide under fucking bed like a baby. What if I could have distracted her in some way, maybe she'd be alive today and I wouldn't be as fucked up as I am, but then I wouldn't have had the best upbringing either. Who knows where the fuck I'd be at. Probably as some loser with a drug problem or selling drugs. Could be worse, I could be a pimp. There wasn't a lot of choices where I

My current therapy session with Doctor Flynn wasn't worked and believe me, tried many therapy. I pushed myself up out of my chair and walk around the room, and forced myself to pace back and forth to relieve the pressure building within me. The rage was so bad. It was worse when I was young. My parents didn't know what to do with me. Hell, I didn't understand it myself.

Doctor Flynn waited patiently for me to sit down, but how do you let go of something that traumatic? How do I let go of my birth mother? Sometimes it hurts so much to think about her and what I lost. Other times, I hate her for leaving me the way she did. How do you deal? How do you cope?

Those are questions I keep asking myself. It's all the what ifs but I know what Doctor Flynn would say to me. 'You can't save her. She had her own demons and she needed to find her own way out of her own hell.' How can I let that go? She was my birth mother. I should have been able to save her. Why couldn't I?

"You were just a child." Doctor Flynn did what he always did, plucked shit from my mind as if he could read it. I suppose, at times, I was an open book to him. He was the one I'd been going to the longest. "What do you think you were supposed to do?" But it just wasn't feeling right for some reason. Times like this, I'd find myself with Elena. She was my mother adoptive mother's friend.

Elena helped me in ways therapy couldn't. She taught me discipline by beating the shit out of me. It made me focus on things I wasn't able focus on. I got my shit together and made it through high school and college. An Ivy League one at that.

"You know..." I stopped and whirled around to glare at him. "Doctor Flynn, I know I was just a child when happened, but..."

"What could you have done?" Doctor Flynn sat forward waiting for my answer.

I glanced at his suit, the expensive suit I helped paid for. The navy blue pin strip, white clean, crisps shirt, and the brown shoes to complete the look. His perfect haircut to his brown hair. His glasses slipped down his nose as he waits for my answer but I have none. The logical part knows what he's saying is true, but the emotional side, the irrational side tells me I could have done something. That was a women who gave me life. I felt like sometimes I owed her that much.

Finally, I sit back in my chair, feeling defeated. It was the first time I admitted it to myself but it didn't take that pain away. It was a big hole in my heart that ached deeply. If I could go back and see her one last time, talk her, try to understand, maybe I would be able to move on. Hell, maybe save her, but I know that isn't possible. How could it be?

I watched at the doctor scribbled something on his notepad. Probably some shit like patient has finally realized he was just a boy, unable to save his mother. Couldn't help but roll my eyes at that thought.

"Let me just say, this therapy is just going to take time and you're going to have to work hard at it. I'm here for you anytime you need it, you know that, right." I shook my head and he continued on. "I need you to put a little more of an effort in and not get so upset with me every time we bring something to the table. We have to be able to both work together or this isn't going to work. Can you do that for me?"

Ah, the fucking ultimatum. I've heard it all before. Frankly I'm sick of this shit. I've tried everything; nothing seems to work. Deep down Doctor Flynn knew it; he's just hanging on a little while longer. This kind of therapy was basically the last straw for me.

Looking down at his watch on his left wrist, doctor Flynn glanced back up at me regrettably. "Times up, Christian. On your next appointment, we will talk about your relationship with Elena."

That was one topic I didn't want to discuss and knowing it was another regret I had, but it did have its upsides. This was an issue that Flynn has wanted to discuss from the beginning. Time and time again, I tell him I don't want to discuss her, but I know eventually, at some point, I will have too, because even though my time with Elena was Beneficial in some ways, it hurt me in others.

Being with Elena was a way I left off steam. Truthfully, it was a way to ignore my problems. Even though it kept me from moving on and dealing with shit, it helped me to be a skillful lover. But having a deeply, committed relationship, was another story. It was more complicated. How do I love someone else, if I can't love myself? And right now I hated myself.

Ah hell, I needed to get shitfaced. Dealing with this was too much. I had to get away.

"Thanks." I stood up, crossed to him, and held my hand out to him. He knew what I was going to say. "I'm not ready to discuss Elena just. Maybe never. I think we should just part ways for awhile. It just feels like things aren't working for me. I feel like there is nothing more than can be done. I'm fifty shades of fucked up, doc, and I will never be normal."

"That's not true, Christian. We have made real progress. Don't throw it a way."

"It's for the best." Flynn never did shake my hand and I let it fall to my side. "Well, anyway, thanks." I headed out of the office.

As I was walked out of the office, it occurred to me, I never really paid much attention to his office, his furnishing, paintings, etc., but that was for the best. I wasn't going to go back anytime soon.

When I made my way outside, it was sunny, bright, and not a cloud in the sky. It felt good to feel the warmth on my skin. My driver, Taylor, pulled up to the curb, and I walked to the car, opened the door, I got in.

"Everything, okay, sir?"

"Fine." I closed the door.

Taylor took a quick look at the mirror on the driver's side door and pulled out into traffic but something big, huge, crashed into the car. Another car perhaps. I don't know. I felt myself fly around the car, hitting the ceiling and window as the car was hurled into another parked car. My life flashed before me when my whole world blacked before. Was I dead or very close to dying. I didn't know. At this point, i didn't care. I feel free for the first time ever.