The Way My Heart Beats

Chapter 24

Clara

Margaret wheels me down the hall to Grant's room in silence. I didn't have much to say anyways. I'm just nervous to see Grant. Butterflies are churning deep in my stomach. I've all but confessed my love for him. Well, I did, but not while he was conscious. Does that count? Because it'd make this a hell of a easier if it did.

The closer we get to room 356, the more intense my stomach flops around. I thought I'd lost him. I can't believe I've wasted so much time being afraid of what I feel for him. It's time I can't get back, but at the same time I think it was necessary. I had to get through those walls on my own time. Grant was just patient enough to wait.

I feel like I've been selfish, but wouldn't it have been more selfish to jump in head first and decide it was too much to handle later on? My mind is going wild trying to reassure myself that I haven't screwed this all up.

The door is already open as we come around the corner. We stop in the doorway giving me a minute to take in a deep breath. It's the first time since I thought he was dead that I see him. My heart leaps out of my chest at the reassurance that he's alive. The thought floors me as a loud sob escapes from my throat.

He's sleeping I notice as I'm wheeled closer to his bedside. I watch Margaret slip out of the room giving us our privacy. Silent tears make their way down my face. I've lost too much in my life, and the thought of losing Grant scares me more than words can describe.

I reach to grab his hand grasping it tightly. It feels so good to touch his warm hand. It's even more proof he's still alive.

He begins stirring around sensing my presence. A warm, tired smile spreads slowly across his face. At that I can't control the smile that's hiding behind my own lips. There's a knowing feeling between us of relief, heartache, sadness. I don't know. It's mutual, but I can't peg just one emotion. It's just a feeling of he's here and I'm here and we're both alive.

"Hi." I say, barely above a whisper. He returns my greeting with a scratchy, "hey."

His smile fades and a serious look invades his face. "Clara," he says my name in a weak voice. "I've tried to take care of you. I've tried—".

"Grant." I cut him off, afraid of where he's going with this. "You've been there for me through everything without being asked. I couldn't imagine someone better than you ever taking care of me. I love you for that..." I trail off realizing what I just said.

His expression changes from serious to surprise but quickly flickers back to serious. "Clara. Please. Listen for a minute." He clears his raspy throat. My stomach feels like an ocean of waves knocking against each other making me nauseous.

"You know how hard I've tried to take care of you. I haven't minded one bit of it. But, I just can't do it anymore. I just can't be the one to let you down. I don't want to fall into the same category as everyone else who's hurt you. I feel like I bring so much more hurt on you the more I try to shield you from it. I'm just not right for you, Clara. Maybe I never was. Maybe I was ju— just here to get you through. I don't know. I'm sorry, but I can't be with you and know that I'm bringing hurt upon you because I obviously can't protect you from it. I'm not good enough. I thought I could be. He almost—." He chokes on a sob thinking back to when he pulled Marc off of me.

My heart is being shattered as if somebody is slowly hammering an ice pick into a large block of ice. Clink. Clink. Clink. Over and over again....until crack. Every shattered piece falls from its perfectly designed place making it impossible to put it back together again.

My chest feels tight like I've got a ton of bricks slowly being lowered onto me. I gasp, searching for air, not realizing I hadn't been breathing. I slip my hand out of his and almost lifelessly lean back into the wheelchair. It's all slow motion.