Your Love's a F*cking Drag (But I Need it So Bad)

Chapter Nine

Dan needed to talk to somebody.

His emotions were getting out of hand, his confusion making his head spin. He felt as if he was questioning everything in his life, as if his entire world was crashing down around him. He didn't know what he was really doing anymore or what he was actually feeling.

Sometimes when Phil looked at him, he would get a strange feeling in his stomach, as if he had swallowed a ton of bees and they were trying to escape. It wasn't the most pleasant thing, but his body reacted in the weirdest of ways, making him blush like no other, making him feel quite unlike himself. It was how he'd felt with Cheryl, except, there was no way he was able to feel like that. He wasn't gay. That's not how it was supposed to work.

It had to be alterous attraction, attraction that is indistinguishable between platonic, romantic, or sexual attraction. People often feel like this about their friends, don't they? Where they can't tell whether they want to date them or just be their friend? That's a thing, right?

It was definitely what Dan was feeling. He was just feeling platonic attraction for his friend, nothing more. He just wanted Phil's health and happiness and was extremely happy around him and it was making him confused, even though he didn't need to be.

So what if they'd done sexual things before? Dan would do that to help a friend out. It wasn't a big deal, didn't mean he would have sex with Phil.

God, he needed to talk this out. He needed to talk to somebody, anybody. But who would listen to him rant about something like this? Who wouldn't judge him, wouldn't tell him that he was a freak? After the whole party fiasco with Cheryl, Dan had lost most of his friends. Hell, he never really had made many friends at college in the first place, instead sticking to Cheryl like a wet sponge and calling the man he cheated on her with his 'best friend'. He had nobody. Nobody he could talk to about the demons terrorizing his brain.

But maybe...

Cheryl had been Dan's friend before they started dating. They did everything together, talked about anything that was on their minds. She was the first person Dan would go to whenever something horrible happened, the first person Dan had told when he lost his virginity for the first time. The thought of telling her the feelings he was harbouring for Phil made him absolutely terrified, but he didn't know where else to go. If he held this in any longer, he might just explode.

So he called her. He calmed the shaking of his hands and dialed the familiar number, holding the phone up to his ear while holding his breath. She answered on the third ring, sounding pleasantly confused. Dan didn't blame her. Why would her ex boyfriend call her after a horrible breakup? It just didn't make sense.

But nothing Dan did made sense anymore, anyways.

"Dan?" She asked, and she didn't sound pissed, which was a good sign. "What are you calling me for?"

Dan cleared his throat, tried to erase the uncertainty from his voice, but it didn't really work. His voice wavered anyways, making him sound like a lost puppy. "I didn't know who else to call," he admitted. The wind blew around him and he cupped his hand over the receiver so his ex could hear him better. "I have a situation and nobody I can talk to about it. I know you probably hate me or something, but can we meet up? I really need to get this off of my chest."

There was silence on the end of the line. She was probably trying to figure out the best way to tell Dan to go fuck himself, to tell Dan that he was useless and she never wanted to speak to him again, to tell him that she moved on and he was so pathetic for calling- "Of course we can talk. Did you want to get some lunch from the dining hall? You know I'm always here for you, no matter what happens between us."

Dan's heart squeezed in his chest. He couldn't help but wonder if she would still say that after she found out what he did. What he did with Phil. When he cheated on her with his own roommate. He was a fucking disgrace. "I..." he breathed, relieved. "Thank you so much. That sounds wonderful."