Isabell

I looked down at the blank paper. It was staring me in the face, taunting me, mocking me. I had to write this. I know I did. It was supposed to be a big honor. I don't understand how it is an honor. Trying to talk about someone who you always had your whole life and all of a sudden they died, I really don't see how that is an honor. It was an honor to be her friend, her shoulder to cry on, her adopted sister.

I knew her since we were kids. I start. I try not to cry. It was really sad. She wasn't ready to go, it was too sudden. We didn't even see the disease starting.

She was always fighting for someone, trying to win, win for the underdogs. We don't all win all of our battles. It was sudden. It grew rapidly. I should have saw the signs. her losing all that weight, her being constantly sick, her sudden not able to run faster than me.

No one knows what exactly happened, but we all know the outcome. She was doing fine, the Chemo was working, but all of a sudden she got weaker.

I still find myself trying to wake up from a nightmare. When I don't reality hits me hard. I don't know how to explain to you all how much she meant to me. I guess I could try, that is why I am up here, right? I tried to smile a little. I was going to be tough tonight. Somehow I knew she would be there for me. I can't write anymore. My tears start to fall, again. Why did this ever happen? Why couldn't it have been me in the ground, at least she would've made this whole thing sound better.

My mom comes into the room. She sees me crying. She hugs me, I never really liked hugs. The only hugs I liked were hers. Now there will be no hugs in the world to help me through all of this, no hugs I like.

I wiggle a little bit, I don't want to be hugged. I want to cry, alone. She looks at me, nods and leaves. it has been like this for almost a week now, me not talking, crying, sleeping, not really eating.

I really didn't want to eat, everything reminded me of her. She came over and would always eat food, common things, so I couldn't get away from her.

I remember the time we ate a jar of peanut butter and apples from outside. We laughed so much. It was celebrating me getting my braces off, I hadn't eaten peanut butter in almost two years then. I don't think I will ever eat peanut butter or apples again.

She had this smile, that she only showed around me. It was a true smile. I had a same smile for her. We were like sisters. Losing her hurt so much

There was another time we were in the creek by my house. We caught minnows by accident, and they ended up in our hair. We laughed for weeks about that. We still used too. I smile faintly at the memory.

I look at the dress I was supposed to wear. I really didn't wanna wear it. I think of something else. I grab her skirt that she gave to me. It was solid black with faint sparkles on the bottom.

She loved to wear this skirt. She wore it to concerts. It made her look better than she would accept. I think she only liked it because she thought it was lucky. She wore it on her first jazz solo in Jazz and Java. That solo was really good. She wore it every concert she had had a solo in since. I wore it now. Maybe it would give me some luck. That is why she gave it to me when she found out the cancer was terminal.

I grabbed a white polo. I wore it all the time. Concerts, banquets, parties. I put on a bow tie. The one she gave me. I only had one at the time, and it was red. She was tired of seeing it. She drove to the mall and made me come with her. She bought me a blue, a purple, and green bowtie. They were on sale. She said if I didn't wear them and she saw the red one on me too often she would take the red one away. I laughed. She actually took it away, she gave it back with the skirt though.