I'm so lost
Like
With everything
Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if I'd have never met you-
If I didn't message you-
If I had never saw you in the recommended friends.
You just kinda popped up
You looked perfect but I wasn't sure yet so I messaged you with no hesitation in hopes that you'd read it and actually message back, then you did and ohboy I was the happiest I've been in a while.
We got to talking n we had some things in common, and then we had more and more
Hell, I even started talking the same way you talked because that's how much I thought of you. The way you talked, thought, acted.
It pulled me in deeper n I began to question it because nobody had every treated me as such
I was this little ball of anxiety and worry and I was always so afraid of everything-
talking to you made that go away and I felt normal. I wasn't scared or worried or anything.
I was calm and smiling and was giggling and I was happy for a split second.
Things changed
I questioned it in my head, doubted it all,not because you did something wrong, but because nobody had ever been like this with me. Nobody acted this was around me. Nobody called me beautiful or pretty or gorgeous like you would. N you complimented me almost every time we spoke. Nobody spammed my phone because they missed me like you would. I would wake up to 80+ messages and I didn't give a damn until I saw your name at the top then my heart fluttered and holy fuck I was so happy. I'd ignore all others for you because you were the only one worth talking to at the time. Nobody make me feel the way you would make me feel. I was in some wonderland almost, nothing was wrong or bad when talking to you.
I felt wrong when I mentioned the fact that I thought it was some sick joke being played. I felt awful when I asked if you actually cared and loved me the way you did. I felt like, I was wrong or out of place for asking these things-
But you answered them and you reassured me you did love me, you genuinely loved me and you were actually concerned with me and you cared as much as you did. You told me that everything would be okay. You reassured me whenever I needed you to. It was comforting, calming, and I felt normal and happy and okay for once in all of the chaos of my life.
You made me fee safe, and that's where I began to get scared again. Nobody was able to make me feel safe and when you did I panicked. 'What happens if he leaves?' 'Will I be scared of everything again??' 'Will I still feel safe...?'
Things changed again.
Every single "I missed you lots" every "you're precious" every stupid fucking "I love you" that meant the world to me and nothing to you. You threw those 3 words around like they meant nothing to you. Every goddamn "princess" my heart melted
Maybe I was just another victim in your line of people to hurt. Find a girl or a guy, get close to them, get them to be all for you 100% then fucking ruin them and their hearts and whatever trust they had left.
Every late night conversation we had that meant so much to me because I though 'he's losing sleep over me, maybe I do mean something to him, wowie. I love him sm.' It was all bullshit. You were just playing me, yeah?
But what's the point?
You lied about sm, your age, who you were, what you wanted, WHO you wanted.
And once again, things changed..
I knew that when you had to go away that one time it wouldn't be the same.
Nothing would.
We went from late night, all night conversations every other day cause we couldn't stay up forever. But we still talked everyday
to talking for a few minutes a few times a week to once a month with one word texts
To not at all
I waited and you changed so much
I waited for you to c me back and things to be better and go back to the way they were before you had to go
You left for months and changed entirely, I don't know what happened. Nobody would tell me. Not Lucifer, not Jax, not you. You told me everything-
Or at least that's what I thought.
It was all fake
Everything
Hell,, even your fucking name was fake.
Broken promises and a broken heart
You'd lie about whatever it was you lied about and I'd believe it.
And things changed once again
It wasn't until I was smoking one night and I went to message you to tell you that I loved you because you were on my mind again and you were gone for good.
It sucks ig.
I just seem to go and find all the wrong people, I guess I was just hoping you weren't one of them.
A small part of me knew you were bad for me, my health, my heart...
But I pushed that aside because so much of me wanted you to me different. I wanted you to be that one guy that I can trust who won't hurt me and who will keep me safe and happy while I did the same for him..
I think that the thing that hurts the most is that and the fact of,,
I knew you were bad for me and I went for it
I guess pink promises are shit too, I used that as a legitimate standard of trust and it failed
It seemed almost too good to be true with you
Everything was too perfect
Maybe that's why I had so many doubts, which, i put off for so long.
I swear I thought you were perfection.
In fact, you still are to me.
And Honestly,,
I don't hate you
And I don't think I ever will
Actually, I know won't ever hate you or anything you have done or anything
In fact, I still love you with all my heart and I probably always will
But I'm not gonna act on anything that comes from my heart at all.
It's too broken to actually think straight.
Maybe someday you'll come back n it'll be different
But for now I'll just just be here.
I'm always here for you, bub. I love you bunches n I hope that one day you realize that even though you might not have meant every I love you or anything else that you said;
I meant it all, every "I love you" "you're precious" "you mean everything to me" "I never want to lose you" "I want you happy even if it doesn't involve me" and so much more.
I meant every single word I said.
And even through everything changing so many times-
I know one thing will
N E V E R C H A N G E
I will always love you.
