Now I won't say this is the best I've ever been because it isn't but I am better than I was a few months ago
I'm not as sad, yes I'm still sad but honestly, I'm a 17 year old girl what do you expect
Anyways
Moving on
I don't feel so sad all the time which is nice, I don't tear up and get upset when I see a picture of you or hear your name. I don't cry when someone says something about you, I don't feel like my chest is caving in when I hear your name. My breath doesn't get caught in my throat when I try to say your name like it used it.
I do still miss you and yes of course I hope you'll come back, but I don't cry at the thought of you not ever coming back anymore, and you aren't on my mind 25/8 like you used to be.
I still have my questions and I still wonder about everything and what happened and everything but I don't ask those questions, I try not to ask so many questions because I know you're the only one with the answers and I will most likely never get the answers, and actually, I don't think you even have the answers, I think you just got scared or you quit caring. Maybe I'm wrong but idk, by the way you spoke about love and relationships is what has lead me to this because you always talked about how love freaked you out or how emotionally fucked up you were due to past relationships failing and maybe you just didn't want to speak anymore, which would have been reasonable I just wish you would have told me instead of just disappearing like you did, I had to find shit out on my own and from people I knew and didn't know.
I can't do anything about it of course but it still would have been nice to know
God, and all the lying. Jesus Christ, why? Like, I am one of the most understanding people you could ever meet and you still chose to lie to me, that's all I asked of you, i just wanted you to be honest with me and you weren't and I don't understand why. It just doesn't add up, of course I found out, but fuck dude. I told you so much shit that I hadn't told anyone and you were just totally cool about it, you were over protective of me and I was even more protective of you. The funniest thing is, I am pretty sure you were faking everything from the very beginning and everything I told you was the truth. You made me feel better when I felt terrible, you make me smile when I felt like bawling my eyes out, you could make me laugh even when I was already sobbing, you helped me so much and I didn't even realize how little I was doing for you until I re-read everything.
Though- reading all of it all over again broken my heart many times and I kept reading even though I could barely see through the tears. You made me happy and I can't thank you enough for that. I guess, while I'm thanking you, I should also thank you for hurting me the way you did. I was all soft and vulnerable before and now I'm not, I learned that being emotional and loving won't get me anywhere in this world, I have to be tough with my walls up. I want to thank oh for showing me that even though you love someone with all of your heart, you can't fully trust them or anyone because, you can't trust anyone--
However that is just a saying, I do trust some people, but, I don't trust them entirely because I don't trust anyone fully.
Also, though you did hurt me pretty bad, I'm not upset with you, I don't hate you, and probably never will, because hating you will not get me anywhere but in deeper with this mess of what happened, it'll keep me hooked on you and the bullshit of everything for longer which I don't want-
I have had a few people mentions you and how I didn't have a chance and that I never deserved you. They also mentioned that you never actually liked me, which I had a feeling about a while back because I tend to doubt people when they say things like you said. Especially the way you said it.
The way you spoke to me was just different, it wasn't like others would, it was better, honestly. You spoke with words and the way you worded everything was so beautiful and calming, it was nice to have that change of pace compared to speaking with other people.
The way you spoke was lovely, none the less. I'd get so hung up on our words it'd drive me nuts sometimes- not in a sexual way but more of a, "what's the catch and why is he speaking to me so lovingly" but I'd push all of the doubtful thoughts away-
I've gotten so far off track and it's late and I should probably sleep, so with that being said-
Goodnight lovely
//I'm sorry I'm so inactive, I probably still will be//
