A Series of Stories

what i wish i knew

*a story i wrote for a writing competition; trigger warnings

The morning after I killed myself, I woke up in my bed. It was 4 in the morning.
I checked my phone only to see thousands of messages popping up on the notifications bar, but before this day, I had gotten few. It really did seem like no body cared until you were dead.
I saw messages from my mother, my aunt, and my uncle that I hadn't spoken to since I was four years old. I saw snapchats from friends that I only spoke to at school, and snaphats from some of my best friends. But most importantly, I saw messages from you.
I opened all of the messages, and opened yours last.

I saw messages from when I was laying unconscious on the floor of my bedroom, where you told me that you were worried and to answer you. Obviously, I never answered you. I saw messages from when I was ushered into the ambulance and hauled down the street towards a hospital, where you told me that you prayed to god that I was safe. 
I saw messages from when I was stuck in a hospital, where you said that you were coming to see me at 3 in the morning.
Most importantly, I saw messages from when you had gotten the news that I never made it, where you told me that you cared bout me, you loved me, and that you knew I was happier.
I got out of bed and I walked down the stairs of the house that I had said goodbye to last night.  
I passed the living room and watched my mom stare blankly at the TV that wasn't turned on, and I kept moving out the door. I walked down the road and saw my neighbors homes engulfed in darkness, the sleeping elders probably unknowing of my death. I kept walking down the road until I found you. A block away from my house, inside of my favorite park. We came here when I wanted to get out of the house, and we would sit at the swings.
Right now, this park was closed, but the street lights remained on. I stood by your side and watched you as you fell to your knees, your forehead glued down to the wood chips beneath you and cried like I had never ever seen you do before. I saw your sudden movement of picking up your head from the ground and looking towards the moon that was full in the sky and I saw the tears on your face, and your eyes filled and matted over with complete and utter dread. I cupped my hands over my ears as your voice pierced through the full moon, and you let out an undeniable scream into the air. I held your shoulders in my nonexistent hands as you cried into your palms more and more.
Finally, you looked up again to the moon and spoke.
"Please, I know that you are here with me If only you would give me your presence."
I looked down at you and took my hands from you, moving over to sit on one of the swings you sat in front of and push myself off of it only once. There was no wind in the area, and the movement made your head dart directly to me. Unknowingly, you stared directly into my eyes and stood. You put your hands on each chain of the swing and stopped me from rocking any more. I heard you whisper my name to me, and I told you that I was here.
For the duration of the next 10 minutes, I listened as you spoke to my un-moving figure that only I could see. I listened to your full apology about how you  wished that you were there to help me, how much you missed me and loved me and how you would never forgive yourself for my death. I told you that it was not your fault and that everything was okay now, I was okay and happy. I got up from the swing and moved it once more for you to see before I knelt next to you and hugged you tight. Your form tensed as I did this, and I knew that you felt me there with you. I told you that I loved you, and stood again before I walked away from the park. If only I knew that so many people had cared about me before I had died. But most importantly, I wish I'd known that you cared before I killed myself.