Spoken Word

Trust.

I like to think I'm a trusting person.
I tell people what I can manage to tell them.
What won't scare them.
But that's not important.
Because people tell me things because they trust me
Because I trust them.
But for all the people I trust
There's someone I just can't
Because all they've done is betray me.
Don't worry, I'm not shading anyone, because that person is me.
How am I supposed to trust myself when all I've done is betray myself.
I won't go into specifics because why would I, but some of you surely know what I mean.
Because it's nigh impossible to trust someone who betrays you over and over again.
Betrays you with every thought and picture and imagination and trick and vision and intrusion.
It hurts.
Because I can't get away from myself.
I can't stop telling myself things.
I just can't trust myself
I can't leave myself alone with my thoughts
Because on a bad day my thoughts remind me why I hate myself and why I think what I think.
And on a terrible day my thoughts drag away any remnants of sanity like so many sand castles.
Except those are meant to be temporary.
My sanity is not meant to be temporary.
On a terrible day the I can not escape the constant images of what terrible things I've done.
It is truly the world's most depressing slideshow.
But it's not about me.
The images aren't of me.
Because I don't give a shit about myself.
My problem is what I do to others.
I don't care what happens to me.
I care how much I hurt others.
I care what happens as a result of my actions.
And that haunts me.
That haunts my terrible days.
On a terrible day I get no reprieve from thoughts of how much better everything would be without me doing what I do.
On a terrible day I am flooded with how much better everyone's lives would be without me in it.
On a terrible day, I understand that I'm the mosquito that everyone despises.
Because that's what happens when I leave myself alone with my thoughts.
And that's why I can't trust my betraying self.
Because why would I trust a betrayer?