The band was finally off of tour for a break. I had stayed home with my mother when the band had went away, It didn’t feel right to leave We had all taken the time away from each other to spend alone time with our own other half’s. Shannon had made arrangements for a weekend away although all I wanted to do was be at home with him. After everything I had been through I wanted him by my side and to comfort me at this hard time.
Finally agreeing he cancelled the trip, walking around the mall I selected a few clothes to try on. I had lost a lot of weight since they had come back. Shannon was working alongside a DJ named Antoine; they would go out and work together at clubs leaving me home alone with my thoughts a lot of the time. Feeling myself slip into depression I visited the doctor for some advice.
Sitting in the waiting room my knee bobbed up and down with anticipation. I felt as if all eyes were on me and everyone was judging me. When my name was finally called I let my hair fall around my face as I followed sign posts. Making it to the small room I took a seat in the wooden chair and was greeted my doctor.
‘Shiloh, it has been a long time. No Shannon today. I am so sorry for your loss’ He said before he started
‘Ermm well no, he doesn’t know I’m here actually. He’s been working a lot recently and thank you’ Seeing my doctor give an apologetic look made my blood boil, I hated when people gave me sympathy it had been happening for too long now I needed to move on but I couldn’t do that if everyone was feeling sorry and miserable for me. Talking to the doctor for a while we agreed to do a pregnancy test although I was on contraception. I knew I wouldn’t be pregnant, plus Shannon and I hadn’t had sex for almost a two, it was a regular update to see if my contraception was still working. I peed on the stick and in a container to do further tests. Sitting down the doctor had prescribed me some medication. Looking at the pregnancy tester I wasn’t shocked to see when it said negative. Thanking him I made my way out to go back to my house.
A few weeks had passed and Shannon and I were hardly spent any time with each other I felt as if he didn’t want to be around me at all. Feeling disgusted with my body I stopped eating and didn’t show Shannon my body when I was naked. Getting the phone call from my doctors had my thoughts ease a little. I visited them again and I felt numb with the news I was hearing. I had a condition called Poly-cystic Ovaries. This meant that my body produces too much insulin; I always knew I had something wrong. Being on the road was the only time I finally felt good in my own body. I also had depression; my doctor referred me to a therapist where I could visit daily or spend a few months there alone and fix the demons in my head. I knew it was the right thing to do as I couldn’t love myself then Shannon wouldn’t either. More bad news came from this diagnosis.
‘I’m sorry to say this Shiloh, but people with your condition also find it really hard to have children. Some can although it may take a little longer, others never get pregnant. There are IVF treatments available but they also don’t always have a positive effect. I’m so sorry to be telling you this at such a difficult time but we need to start you on medication right away. I will refer you to a special hospital; take this as a getaway to sort your thoughts out. The thing is it’s like rehab you won’t be allowed to have any outside contact with the people you love. You will not be realised until you are fully recovered. What do you think about that?’ Sitting there I felt numb and sick to my stomach. Shannon and I always talked about having children and now the thought of not being able to killed me. Saying goodbye to the doctor I made my way back home to sit and think.
The next few days were dreadful. I distanced myself even more from Shannon although he never noticed as he threw himself into work since my father’s passing; I had started dropping weight by not eating. Shannon never noticed my weight loss. It killed me to feel so distant from Shannon but I knew it was for the best. I am dealing with the devils in my head and talking about it with Shannon won’t help. I needed to escape and gather my thoughts over things. I had finally arranged to leave, in two days I would leave for how ever long I needed I would stay in the rehab as the doctors called it for people with mental problems. It all sounded scary and over the top but that was the first part of recovering was dealing and accepting what I had. My mother was happy I was finally seeking help and said I should tell Shannon but every time I would try, he left again. Hanging the phone up from my mother, tears escaped my eyes as I spent the night alone at my flat. Again.
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'You and I are going out for dinner and a movie tomorrow night! Just a casual night together, I love and miss you. Your Shannon x'
I read in the dark feeling guilt wash over me. He had no idea how I truly felt but I would spend the last day I had with him how I knew how to. I would try and keep an image of him in my mind before I left for the unknown.
