and for some godforsaken reason I feel barb wires hugging my chest like you did
and I feel like the stardust of self righteousness and aristocratic validation I've been shoving down my throat to calm the constant waves of self loathe I feel have made their home inside my lungs
I feel your fingers around my neck
You're choking me to sleep
And suddenly I'm thinking about a green eyed boy with a touch as smooth as stone and a breath as hot as burning charcoal with hair as dark as the fucking night sky,jesus help me because he never adorned himself with the stars [how do I tell him I see galaxies in the lines of his palms]
He has eyes as lost as mine and I'm not trying to be sappy so I won't tell you his eyes are every shade of the forest's hues,blue and green and beautiful;but God fuck me over in hell I swear on every promise I've ever made his eyes make me want to drown in sin and fuck it is can't write poetry about gentle boys like him
So I ignore him. I force myself to look away,maybe my ignorance will speak up for itself and make up for good prose,maybe it wasn't his fault he didn't see me in the same light I saw him.
And I don't love him,it's just I can't fucking get his eyes and his lips and his face out of my mind and it's not even physical I'd love him even if he didn't have a heart shaped birthmark on the edge of his left palm,swear I'd love him even if even if he lost his mind but I don't love him I'm not lying
I'm not trying to make this into a book of metaphors,it's not my fault he's everything good in this world full of bad it's not my fault he says things to me that set my insides on fire
The fire in my lungs is reaching out to my toes now and upto my scalp I think I hear the demons inside me damn me to hell
I think I hear my brain pleading for help and swimming in this pool of divine retribution
and it's doing a remarkable job of enthralling job of enticing my nerves and whispering prayers of pain and psalms of sick perverted fantasies and I love it
And my breathing is even though I'm screaming can you see how I've been losing my mind [see how I fooled you? I fool everyone,even myself.]
MY KNUCKLES ARE GROWING PALE AND I'M BATHING MYSELF IN ABSOLUTE MELANCHOLIA BECAUSE THESE FEELINGS OF EUPHORIA HAVE BEEN TOO FAR FETCHED THESE DAYS AND I'VE BEEN DANCING TO THE SOUND OF BLOOD SWEAT AND AGONY CAN YOU HEAR MY VOICE OVER THE PHONE
and for some godforsaken reason I feel my heart pounding against my bed because I'm pressing my limp body into the mattress
There is so much to love
So much to see
But I won't
I won't love him
Won't let myself
Break.
mnemosyne show me what it's like to be soft again.
- the moons under my eyes define my zenith and I wake up dead again.
