Her long fingers comb gently through my hair as I gently kiss her, my lips caressing hers. I slowly pull away, goosebumps exploding all over my body as the fingers on her other hand trace the outline of the tattoo adorning my right bum cheek. “I love you so much. I want us to be together forever.” She beams at my words, pressing her lips against mine again. “Me too babe. I want to grow old with you. I love…” She stops, still smiling as our surroundings begin to swirl into nothing. I tighten my grip on her waist, but I can feel her being sucked away from me. “No, please.” My words are useless as she slips from my arms and into the darkness, her smiling face the last I see of her.
I sit up quickly, rubbing my eyes as they adjust to the darkness. I sigh as the tears start again, cascading down my cheeks as the memories of Nadine leaving me return. I collapse onto the bed, my body shaking with sobs that nobody can hear. Two months I’ve been like this, crying constantly and not eating, only sleeping when my body’s had enough and gives up with exhaustion. The girls come round every day, trying to get me to eat, telling me everything will be OK. But they don’t understand, the love of their lives hasn’t left them.
My sobs increase in volume as I remember that night, the night she walked out of my life. I’d cooked dinner, spaghetti bolognese, which is quite a triumph for me, considering my lack of culinary skills. I was laying the table when she arrived, lighting the candles and pouring the wine I’d bought into the glasses. She let herself in, hugging me awkwardly when she saw me. She noted the effort I’d made before I’d leaned in for a kiss, she backed away and that’s when I knew something was wrong. I asked her if something was up, and that’s when she told me. In just a few, short sentences, my world fell apart around me. She told me that she was moving back to America, to concentrate on her budding career. I told her I’d move too, I begged her not to leave me. Then she said those seven words, and my heart broke. “I’ve fallen out of love with you.” I turned away as she left, her apologies mingled with her sweet Chanel perfume, hanging in the air as she walked out of the door.
The dogs barking at my bedroom door bring me back to my senses and I realise the sun has risen during my absence from the real world. The start of another day without her.
I switch on my autopilot, getting out of bed and choosing clothes that seem to match. Like me and her. I wash and dress before going downstairs, feeding the dogs and flicking through my post as the kettle boils. Once I’ve made the tea that won’t be drunk, I go through to the living room, noticing the answer phone flashing in the corner. The messages are mostly work-related, except for the last one. I feel a pang of guilt as I hear Kimberley’s worried voice. “Jesus Chez, I hope to God you’re OK, you were meant to text me yesterday…” sh!t. I completely forgot that. “Anyway, I’ll come round first thing tomorrow, I don’t want you reading the newspapers and magazines alone. I hope Hilary hasn’t called you. But if she has I’ll be there for you soon, I promise. Don’t read the tabloids until I’m there. See you soon. Love you.” The line goes dead before the woman with the posh voice gives me the options of whether to repeat, delete or save the messages. I save them all, sitting down and worrying over the tabloids.
“Are you sure you’re alright?” I glance from Nadine’s smiling face on the page to Kimberley’s, nodding, even attempting a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m glad she’s happy.” I feel tears pricking my eyes, so I look back at the papers, back at Nadine draped over Jason Bell. Kimberley wraps an arm around me and that’s when I lose my composure. I cry into her jumper, she hugs me tightly, saying things I barely hear over my sobs. When I finally pull away I see she’s crying too. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” She shakes her head, moving some hair behind her ear. “It’s fine. I just hate seeing you upset.” I look down at my hands. “I miss her. I still love her. Am I stupid?” I look back up to see her shaking her head again. “No, you’re normal.” I sigh as I once again glance at Nadine, my heart breaking all over again.
