keep me from falling //phan//

chapter two

my whole world crumbled into dust before my eyes as i stared at thomas in disbelief. the man i'd loved for 4 years had discarded me like i was yesterday's newspaper. perhaps all of the last few years with him had been a lie, my perceptions of him as an honest, loyal and kind boyfriend were shattered into smithereens as well as my heart. i had poured my everything into the relationship, he was my life. i had given up everything in my life before him so that we could be together and i had put up with him through all of his mood swings and born the bruises without complaint.

yet perhaps it was for the better, my life had become another thing under his control and now it was time for me to break free and become my own person. i felt the fury from before simmering in my stomach, but this time it wasn't directed towards me but towards the man who i thought had loved me and who i gave everything up for.

"get. out." my voice was harsh and cold, a stark contrast to the tone i usually adopted with thomas and it showed. his face turned puce with built up anger, hands curling into fists. i fought my urge to cower away from him, to protect myself from his blows. this time was different, i wasn't going to let him just walk all over me. i wasn't his punching bag any longer.

"get out," i repeated, my voice more insistent as i worsened my glare. "the apartment belongs to me, as does all the furniture, check the deeds if you don't believe me. get out of my life. forever."

"but...but..." he spluttered with indignation but i had no tolerance for his slow reaction. i needed him out before i broke down. if i allowed him to see my weakness, all he would do was take advantage of it and overpower me. 

"get out!" i screamed, shoving him towards the door, picking up his bag and throwing it at him. fright flashing across his face, thomas grabbed his bag and ran out of the house, slamming the door behind him.

i finally let myself break down, tears streaming down my face as i processed the facts, mentally berating myself for ever thinking he was going to marry me. oh poor, naive phil. the signs were just so obvious, he stayed out late because he hated my company, he was always too busy to go on dates because he just didn't want me anymore. and god it hurt, it hurt realising someone i'd poured my heart and soul into didn't even care, didn't even reciprocate any of it. 

feeling sorry for myself, i lay there in silence, once in a while broken by a sigh. it did me no good just lying there, surrounded by memories of thomas, what i needed to do was sort out all his stuff and pack it up, no matter how much it hurt me because once it was all gone, he would be out of my life once and for all. 

the main part of the house was easy, we had minimal decor, most of it i had picked out as he had no eye for decorating. overall it took me an hour to get through 12 rooms, a pretty good pace. but i'd left the worst for last. the bedroom. just stepping over the threshold had me blinking back tears, every little detail reminding me of when thomas had actually spent time with me in our room. throwing open the wardrobe doors, i pulled out all of his clothes and those he'd picked out for me, none of which i actually liked though i pretended so as not to set him off.

feeling very proud for accomplishing that much, i scooped out the entire floor of the wardrobe and dumping it on the floor. starting by sorting into piles of 'mine,' 'thomas' and 'what is that,' i quickly realised that most of it was mine and therefore was much quicker for me to sort into 'keep,' 'give away' and 'chuck.' an intriguing wooden box caught my eye, having never seen it before my interest was immediately peaked. i flipped the clasp open and gasped as i saw pages and pages of familiar scrawling handwriting. pulling out the first sheet, my eyes skimmed the words, drinking it all in, craving for that same emotion i had when i wrote it.

my dear thomas,

my love for you is more than words can describe, it fills my entire being and when i see you my heart explodes with joy. i wish we could let the world know of us and our relationship but i accept your hesitance in telling anyone. dan would never understand, you're right, so i agree we should keep it a secret but i was thinking that dan has many other closer friends than me such as pj, so i thought maybe we could move in together.

i feel our relationship has grown to a point where we're close enough to live together. i certainly love you enough to take this next step and if we do this, we can do what you've been wanting to do for a while. i love you so much thomas.

lots of kisses

philly

and with those last words i dissolved into tears for the second time that evening.