keep me from falling //phan//

chapter three

the shrill ring of the doorbell startled me from my uncomfortable position on the kitchen floor, a confused expression crossing my face. i wasn't expecting any visitors today. rubbing the side of my neck where i pulled a muscle after falling asleep on the floor, i unwillingly picked up my phone to check the time and stretched out, joints cracking. it was 11:30, my eyes popped open in surprise, that meant i must've have slept for 6 hours, a rare amount for me to get and this time blessedly free of old demons. slowly, almost hesitantly, i stood up, running a hand through the bird's nest on my head. dark bags encircled my eyes and i yawned, barely able to keep my eyes open. padding softly towards the door, i curled my fingers round the cold metal of the latch.

"hello?" i murmured sleepily

"dan!" louise chirped. a startled expression crossed my face, resembling a goldfish as I gaped at her. i was at a loss for words as i took in the fact she was here. at my apartment. and only one person knew where it was. pj, that little shit.

"sorry," i sighed, slamming the door in her face. glancing at the clock in kitchen, i resolved it was too late in the day for it to be worth me going back to bed. louise, presumably enfuriated by my rudeness, ensued in repeatedly ringing my doorbell and yelling at me to let her in.

"daniel james howell! you little bastard! let me in!" she screeched, the thin walls of my apartment meaning i could not escape from her. debating whether i could just ignore her or not, the thud of something hitting the wall adjoining to my apartment startled me.

"get that fucking crazy lady to shut the fuck up, howell," a thick irish voice boomed. "or i will come over and beat the shit out of you." paling visibly, i saw only one option.

"what do you want?" i cut across louise's enthusiastic introduction, her smile slipping off of her face. she pouted, trying to pull me in for a hug but i stepped back out of reach, not willing for any physical contact. her face fell and she blinked quickly, looking down for a second before schooling her face back into a happy expression.

"can i come in?" louise stuttered, her voice trembling, suddenly unsure of why she'd ever bothered turning up since dan had only pushed her away since the incident three years ago. i nodded mutely, regretting it when i saw the beaming smile that sprung onto her face. "i haven't seen you in ages, dan. are you okay?"

her reassuring manner, the subdued tones she was using with me took me by surprise. expecting her exhaustively upbeat manner, i suddenly felt compelled to be honest to at least one person. almost as if i feared the consequences, i frantically shook my head, turning my head away from her in a half-hearted attempt to hide the tears pricking my eyes. i glared at my monochrome sheets, as if blaming them for my inability to hide my weakness.

"oh god dan," louise's voice shook, pulling me into her and rocking me gently in her arms. "how could you let it get this bad and not tell someone? i left you alone thinking you'd be fine without me - no, scratch that, better off without me and the memories I'd take with me. I never thought you'd slip even further in your downwards spiral."

desperately, i fought back tears, before resigning myself to the oncoming flood. i shook in her arms, ugly, choking sounds tearing out of my chest. louise tightened her grip around me, as if she was afraid of letting go of me and losing me forever.

"i should never have left you after he was such a dick to you. in a way i was as bad as he was. i'm so sorry, i'm such a bad friend, dan. i should never have just gone without a word after ph-"

"don't say his name!" i hissed, pulling myself out of her grip with a glare. "he was a jerk and i don't want to be reminded of him."

i hopped off the bed and stormed off to the kitchen, more angry with myself than louise, although i was unwilling to admit. why couldn't i just be over him? his name caused me pain and the memories haunted me wherever i went, why couldn't i just be over it as he obviously was? tugging angrily on my curls, i slid down against my fridge, crumpling into a heap on the floor. louise rushed in, sighing as she saw me on the floor.

"don't run off on me like that, daniel, you scared me?" although she tried to stay strict, her voice turned more pleading as louise took in my helpless expression. she had no idea how to help dan and that scared her.

"god, do you think i care?" i tugged on the hangnail at the edge of my finger. "you stayed out of my life until now, why did you even bother coming back?"