How it all Started (James x reader)

How it all Ended

This little piece of parchment that held more information then I would have liked, was meant to be burned. That's what I did with this sort of thing. I usually felt better after it was gone. It felt like it was destroying not just the words, but the actual feelings as well. It was never burned though. Months later, it was sitting in my bedside table drawer, untouched and unseen by anyone, but me. Every time I had gone to burn it, I would look into the fire and have this strange desire to keep it. It was like it was I had. Everything that was clear to me was in this letter and if that was gone I was afraid that it would all go back to me being confused and trying to understand exactly what I was feeling towards James.

Over these months, James and Lily's relationship had gotten stronger, along with my guilt. I was sitting here, hopelessly in love with a boy who was in good relationship and it was fucking hard. Hard to watch someone be so happy with someone else. But I would remain silent. I had to. I was not going to be the cause of any unhappiness, especially not James'. That didn't stop my heart from literally getting faster when he entered a room or slowing down way too far when I saw him with Lily. It was so damn hard to go on loving someone when they clearly didn't love you back. Every thought of them together was like a blow to the chest. I couldn't do anything, but write letters and as time went by, the pile in my drawer increased.

Dear Prongs,

You know that old cheesy saying about your heart skipping a beat when you see someone you love? Turns out it's not a saying. My heart actually stopped for a second when I saw this morning. You might think I'm lying, but I'm not. Or maybe I only thought that I felt it, but I know that I really did. I almost fell over because it scared me so bad. Sorry about the cliche, but I thought you should know. Not that you ever actually will.

Love Y/N/N

I wanted to burn them. All of them. I wanted to watch these letters go up in flames while I stood there and let all of my cares turn to ash. So many times I had stood in front of the fireplace in the common room, ready to throw them in. But I couldn't. I wouldn't. I needed something to show that I had been through pain. That this wasn't all just crazy, that I wasn't making all of this up. These fucking letters were the only proof I had, so I kept them.

As summer approached, I was starting to care less and less about keeping it all inside. I was stressed and I wanted to scream, to let it out, to let go of everything. But I was a stubborn person and I did nothing about any of this. Along with summer came graduation and I couldn't have been happier about it. I was going to join the order as soon as I could. I wanted to get out and fight, hopefully releasing some of this tension on the way.

Our final year went by faster than I ever thought that it would. As soon as the boys and I were out the doors of the castle, we found a small apartment to rent out together and I was on my way to the Order of the Phoenix headquarters. It only took a few days for Dumbledore to accept me and a few more after that for me to be on my first mission. I would never say that it was easy. It wasn't. But it was helping. My focus was off of James, even if it was now on the war, at least I didn't feel sick and guilty every time I saw him.

One night, I was assigned to find a certain death eater who wasn't considered particularly dangerous. All I had to do was get my hands on him and apparate back to headquarters. There would be other members there waiting to deal with him. Since it was a fairly easy task, I was to do it alone. My hair was pulled back, my wand was in my pocket and my robes were casual as to not draw attention to myself. I walked out of my room and found Remus and Sirius sitting on the couch, along with Peter in an armchair.

"Going out, Y/N/N?" Sirius asked me.

"Kind of. Order mission."

"Oh." He stood up and walked over to hug me. "Be safe, okay?"