finding grayson

chapter one- the beginning

I've accepted the fact I won't find love.

It's true. I thought this while I puked my dinner up into the toilet bowl last night. I really have been born to die. I'm 16 years old and I've never been to school. I do it online. My mum still thinks I should get an education just in case I survive and need a decent job which I highly doubt. I'll probably die soon before I even graduate my stupid online schooling. Which is why I am incapable of finding true love because the only two places I go are the hospital and my house. Also, who needs friends and a soul mate when you're dying? I'll just disappoint them all anyway. 

'Alright get your butt out of that bed of yours, its 1:00pm' My mum stood in the doorway of my room with a "fed up" look upon her face ' but mummmm... just let me die in peace' I said morbidly as I covered my face with my heavy blankets so the sun didn't go into my eyes since she opened my bedroom door and let it in. 'Stop being so morbid you're only going to make yourself feel worse if you're just going to lie there like that' 'ahh finee' I sighed sitting up in my bed with complete bed hair. 'Good, now please go shower you haven't done that in awhile' she chuckled as she walked away feeling happy that she basically just forced me to open my eyes and be blinded with the sun and then accuse  my anus of being dirty.  I sighed and fell back into my bed as I grabbed my phone from my bedside table and unplugged it's charger. 

you're not alone motivation stuff

I typed into Youtube wanting to see what would come up. Maybe to find someone who was just like me experiencing the same thing as me and maybe just maybe they'd give me some motivation to at least look into the mirror and smile at my appearance even without my long locks of hair, maybe I would no longer need to wear a wig that some what looked like my old hair before it all disappeared after chemo. But once again I was only setting myself up for a bigger fall. I clicked search the first video that came up was of motivational stuff with a thumbnail of Rocky balboa, played by Sylvester Stallone... a personal favourite. My eyes skimmed over  to the next video which was two boys sitting down with a   black and white filter on. It's  caption was "you're not alone" in big bold letters. I raised an eyebrow as I clicked onto it and the first frame was of one of the most beautiful creations I had ever seen. The only thing missing was a smile. He could have been so much more perfect if he had smiled but then again judging by the title I assumed it wouldn't be a jolly old good video. 

'Recently our dad was diagnosed with cancer' 'wow, welcome to the club' I muttered to myself as I quickly clicked onto their page not wanting to see one of them cry, they were too perfect. Who would've thought people like them would have anxiety and depression? They obviously have millions of people looking out for them who can help them out of the dark. But me? nah I was trapped and nothing could save me. 

I scrolled through their videos 

"Ethan dares Grayson" this shall be intriguing I thought to myself.

from watching only one video turned into me watching every single last one. It made me forget I was dying for 5-10 minutes and it gave me a little bit of happiness. A little bit of happiness I haven't experienced since the day I was diagnosed with leukemia.... 10 years ago.

'I thought I told you to get up hours ago Maddy! You're really frustrating me now!' my mother snapped from the doorway. 'It's for your own benefit! you're dying and you're just wasting your little time inside that god awful smelling bedroom of yours! Do you seriously think this is easy on me?! In a few months I won't have a daughter anymore!' she screamed with tears running down her cheeks as she slid down to the floor and cried into her knees. Oh god  a few months? the hospital must have got my results in. It was that moment again, I had the same feeling when I found out mum and dad were getting divorced when I was 12. I stared into space blocking out all sounds around me which would have been the sound of my mums' sobs.