Sorry For My Secrets

Niall

"Just so you know, I love you too."

My heart started pounding. Those words were everything I'd ever wanted to hear, but I knew he didn't mean them the way I wanted him to. He was my best friend and I his. There couldn't possibly be any meaning behind them other than that.

I shook my head. "I need to sleep, I think," I said quietly. I untangled my legs and stood from the couch, feelings his arms slip away from my shoulder and waist, and made my way to the door.

"Ni, don't shut me out," I heard Zayn say. I just closed the door behind me and crawled into my bunk. The teddy bear he'd won for me at an amusement park in the States sat on my pillow against the wall and I pulled it close. It smelled of his cologne that I'd stolen and sprayed on it.

For a moment, I allowed my mind to drift, picturing his arms around me. His chin on my head. His laughter rumbling inside his chest against my cheek. My brain was conjuring all these images that I knew would never happen and before I knew it, I was crying.

I scrambled for the blade hidden in my compartment and slid my jeans down. I needed the fresh unmarked skin of my thigh. I dragged the blade over the pale skin and watched the small beads form. I stopped after a few more cuts and tried to breathe through the tears.

My mind was racing and my thoughts were jumbled. I wanted to believe that Zayn had meant those words but come on; why would he love me? He could have someone who wasn't damaged like I was, who wasn't afraid of anything. Zayn deserved more than my fear and scars.

I buttoned my jeans back up after wiping away the evidence and rolled over to take a nap. God knew that I hadn't slept well last night so maybe I could catch some kind of sleep. I yawned, mouth wide open. Yeah, a nap would surely help.