Sorry For My Secrets

Zayn

I watched Niall close the door. Watched as he shut me out again. I knew he needed time to process everything about us now knowing his secret. That's the whole problem though; if I'd noticed something sooner or said anything at all, he wouldn't have felt the need to hurt himself.

But he also could've told one of us about how he was feeling. I just can't understand what would be so bad that he'd do that. I thought he trusted us, trusted me. I could feel my heart breaking at the thought that he didn't trust anyone enough to say something.

Being honest, I was afraid to leave Niall alone too long. Yes, he said he wanted to sleep but I was still worried so I tip toed to his bunk and stuck my head inside. He was curled around his bear but I could still see tear tracks on his cheek. Moving slowly so not to wake him, I slid in next to him and just watched his chest as it rose and fell.

I shifted to make a little more room but accidentally kneed his thighs. He jerked awake with a gasp and lashed out, his fist connecting with my nose. When I was finally able to see through my watery eyes, I noticed his hand on his leg and pushing hard against the fabric of the jeans.

"Ni, what's wrong? Nightmare?" I asked. He shook his head. "Do you want to tell me what's wrong?" Another head shake. "Talk to me already, Niall! I'm scared for you!" I couldn't help the fear creeping into my voice or the way it cracked.

"I don't want you to hate me, Z," he said, rolling away from me. "You'll be angry." At that I gently placed my hand on the nape of his neck and rubbed down between his shoulder blades. He was extremely tense and shaking.

"I could never hate you, Niall. Why would you think that?" I needed to know his thought process so I could show him that he meant the world to me. This boy was my absolute best friend in the world and I assumed he'd known that.

I tugged his shoulder to make him roll over and face me. His eyes were wet but he didn't let the tears fall until I said, "Niall, I love you and I didn't know you'd thought I hated you." I cupped his cheek and used my thumb to wipe the tears away. "Show me? Because I know there are new ones," I whispered.

He sighed. "How did you know?"

"The way you woke up. I hit your leg so I know that's where they are. May I look at them?" When he nodded, I pushed him flat on his back and reached for his fly. I could see blood seeping through the light denim on his left leg and my heart broke in that moment.

That's when I knew just how far I was about to go for this amazing boy.