What is Death?

Hold On We're Going Home

Chapter 22

I finally found him, and then I couldn’t stop crying. I waited for him as the couple in the room sobbed and held each other. He floated gracefully through the thick eggshell colored wall. Holding the tiny murmuring infant in his arms. Sammael wasn’t what I had expected. He was tall, he must have been over seven foot. I had to tilt my head back to look at his face.

He had strong arms. I imagined you would need those arms to carry souls. His skin seemed to glow and his hair was long, pulled back into a braid that fell down the length of his back. Everything about him was warm. From his tanned skin to his brown bear eyes and his equally brown hair.

I would have never guessed a Native American to be an angel, but maybe I don’t really know all that much about religion and how it truly works. But then again I guess every religion has its own version of the Grim Reaper. I remembered Renae saying that he wasn’t exactly like the Grim Reaper.

“Sammael.” I called his name quietly. Almost as if it were a prayer and not a name. He turned to me holding a finger to his lips and gestured to the infant who was now fast asleep in his arms. “Sorry.” I mouthed. Even though I had barely spoken his name. Once again he gestured, but this time so I would follow him.

We silently walked out into the sunlight and over to a stone bench. “Wait here.” He spoke then vanished. Well not really vanished, but more of he extended a pair of light brown wings – like a hawks – and quickly flew off. It happened almost instantaneously. If I would have blinked I would have missed the whole thing altogether. I sat there waiting for him to come back. Hoping that he wouldn’t take too long and that he’d be back before Stein found me.

“Humans are created in His likeness. Do you not think that He is every race and every gender?” I jumped not expecting Sammael to appear right beside me on the bench I was sitting at.

“Um, I guess so. I’ve just always only seen angels depicted to be white, and honestly besides you I’ve only seen three other real angels.” He smiled.

“I understand, but this is not my true form. You would tremble beneath me if you saw my true likeness. That is not what you are here to talk about though. So tell me, why is it that you’ve saught me out Anstice?”

“How do you know my name? Is it because you’re an angel?”

He laughed a deep vibrating laugh. “Not all angels learn the names of all His children and I am not one of those who do. It’s because I have carried you before and your memories spoke to me your name. I am Anstice Marie Doston, they said, andthat is how I know your name.”

“What about the baby?” I asked.

“I was to be James they whispered to me because even the smallest and newest of infants form their first memories in the womb. Even though many never remember them as they grow older.” He paused. I felt as if he could go on forever if he wanted to. “I must ask you again though, why have you sought me out?”

I took a deep breath and then began. “Gabriel sent to me to you because I need to separate my soul from my body and I need your help to do it because it seems like you’re the only one who can do it – according to Gabriel anyway.” I let the rest of my breath out. He looked at me with sad brown eyes and I knew what his answer was going to be.

“Yes I can help you. I wish I couldn’t, but it isn’t so.” He stood and walked over to me until he was standing in front of me. I had to tilt my head way back in order to look at his face. He put his hands on my shoulders and ask if I was ready. I nodded my head yes. Sammael crouched down. Still holding my shoulder with his left hand. He moved his right hand until his palm was almost directly over my belly button. “I hope you’re sure about this Anstice Doston.” Before I could even speak he plunged his hand into my stomach. Straight into the core of my body – of my being. I couldn’t even scream it hurt so much. It felt as if I were paralyzed, but as soon it ended and then I was floating free. Then I was enclosed by strong arms and I felt the gentle caress of feathers.

I knew I was in Sammeal’s arms, and when I opened my eyes standing in front of us was a girl. She had dark pixi short hair and blue grey eyes. Her skin was very pale, almost translucent. As if she were a ghost.  She stared at us forlornly, as if she was sad to see us, but at the same time detached. There was something off about the girl – something missing.

“Who is she?” I wondered.

“She is your memories, who you were, and who you’ve always been since first being on this planet. Do not worry though, she is no more than a shell – a ghost – she will fade soon.”

“Where will she go?”

“She won’t go anywhere. She will just cease to exist. Fade away, as I said.”

I looked at her for a moment more, feeling sad for some reason. Then she did something unexpected. She spoke to me. “Goodbye.” Was all she said, then she gave a small nod to Sammael, and faded away. It was like watching the last few moments of a sunset. One second the sun is visible and then the next it’s moved below the horizon. Not visible to your eyes anymore.

I don’t know why I compared her fading away to watching a sunset. I’ve never even seen the sun set before. This was the first time I’d even been out of the hall of souls.

“Sammael?” I asked. “Why am I here? Why am I not watching over the children?”

“The other souls are fine, and you wanted to see the sunset.” He answered my questions in a tone I couldn’t quite catch.

“I don’t know why I would, I’ve never had the desire to before, but I do feel kind of strange. Like I’ve been dreaming for a very long time.”

“Perhaps you have.” Sammael chuckled. “Let’s get you back home then. The souls have missed you.”

"How long have I been gone?” I was curious as to how much time had passed. Time had never really bothered me. When you’re content time doesn’t really matter.

“Only about a century or so. Maybe two or three, maybe more.”

“Well that must have been a very long sunset!” It was astonishing. How could I not remember leaving my home for that long of a time?

“Come on. Everyone will be very happy to see you.”

“I bet Harachel won’t be. He was always frusterated that all the young angels were attracted to protecting me. They all wanted to be my guardian angel, and he had to chase them off.” Sammael laughed.

“We’ll see.” He said. “Let’s go home now.”