Metanoia

Jokes are good for the emotional health - 2

The door unlocks with a click as I turn the key. I walk in, discarding my laptop bag to the left. A few steps later, I flop face first onto the small couch. The quiet hum of my fan reaches my ears and I'm thankful it's not completely silent.

My mother's words ring in my mind, she didn't mean anything bad by it, but I can't help but be affected. She has been oblivious to my fears for my whole life, and I lack the courage to tell her about them. It probably doesn't help that I came out as lesbian, which I am, to my mom a few years back, implying that I have romantic feelings, which I do, it's just.. complicated.

I cringe at the memory of turning away from my first, and only, relationship because I "didn't want to be serious". It really hurt her, and god do I feel guilty, yet I never did explain myself to her. Well a few internal kicks to the head will have to suffice as apologising, since I haven't seen her since freshman year, and that's six years now.

The temperature in the room feels like it's dropping the more I let myself think.

"Ugh..." I mumble into the grey cushions.

Feeling myself get overwhelmed, I reach for my phone, I'm fortunate enough to have someone to talk to about all of this. I scroll through my few contacts until I see his name, my childhood friend, basically the only one I'm ever willing to talk to about my problems.

The phone rings a few times before a voice sounds through the speaker. "Hey, Anastasia."

"Hi, Marc.." I say, my voice sounding flimsy.

"Uh oh, I know that voice," He pauses. "s' everything alright?"

I huff a small humorless laugh. "Just me, and you know, my issues."

"You worried about livin' alone with twenty eight cats again?" He jokes.

"Yeah," I chuckle softly. "I guess you can say that."

"Alright, all jokes aside, are you okay?" He asks, the humor in his voice going away in an instant.

"Well, I'm not dying, but, emotionally I could feel better." I say. "Guess it depends on your definition of 'okay'."

"Somethin' happen?" He asks.

"Yes and no.." I say, making a gesture that he cannot see. "I was just talking to someone at the cafe, and my mom made some stupid comment and I'm getting all worked up."

"Who'd you meet?" He questions, not hiding his curious tione.

"Just a girl named Aria, she's," I pause, chuckling. "She's got personality, that's for sure."

He laughs, and then pauses. "She didn't do anything to you did she?"

"What? No!" I laugh at his assumptions before I speak again. "She's cool, we're actually meeting again tomorrow."

"Oh, nice," He seems to think for a moment. "You said your mom said something?"

"Just something stupid, and as per usual my mind blew it completely out of proportion."

"Yeah, tell your mind to go fuck itself." He says.

"Rude," I huff in fake offence. "My mind.. it," I take a deep breath, trying to keep a poker face. "Tis a part of my person." I say in a terrible british accent. One of the many inside jokes we have, they are instant mood lifters.

He, of course, laughs, loudly. "And I'll tip the top hat." He continues the joke.

"But of course."

We both laugh for a while longer, it feels good to laugh like this again.

"Man it has been too long since we've talked." He says happily.

"Yeah, I keep forgetting to interact with actual living things."

"Well you should interact with the human named Marc more." He says, I can practically hear the smile on the other end.

"Don't worry, I will, I should go for now, but I'll talk to you soon?"

"Okay, see you."

"Bye." I hang up the phone and lay it on the stand next to me. My hands run through my hair, a small half sigh half chuckle falls from my mouth. Looking up at the black void on the TV, I decide that it will be best to watch something. I grab the remote and flip through the channels, eventually landing on some random episode of "Friends". If that show doesn't cheer you up, not much else will.

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At least a few hours have passed, I've ended up laying upside down on the couch, barely any of the screen is visible beyond the coffee table that's blocking my view, but the dialog is funny enough. This goes on for a few more minutes before the blood rushing to my head makes me light headed.

As I sit up I find myself thinking about the girl I met at the cafe. I wonder if I'll see her after tomorrow, maybe I should give her my number or something. A flash of realisation that feels like a brick to the gut hits me, I shake my head at myself.

"Only as a friend." I say.

Actually that would probably be creepy, she's still basically a stranger. She did agree to meet me again tomorrow though, she must think I'm okay on some level. Why am I like this..?

"You know what, I'm gonna do it, YOLO right?" Even to me, my confidence sounds fake, but she's a cool person, and she's not completely repulsed by me. What's the worst that can happen? I'll get rejected and never see her again, I don't know her too well so it won't really affect me. I shrug and then nod, alright it's settled.

Glancing at the clock provides me with the late time of one in the morning. I really need to get some sleep.

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