Parks & Cafés

JustBecause

My heart was angry with me. Ripping it out of its comfort zone. Immersing into a feeling more than just foreign to it. Throwing it to the wolves. 

I felt as if I was breaking my own heart by even accepting that emotion as my own. I wanted to reject it. To deny it. To forget about it. But another part of me whispered lightly in the silence between thoughts that I should announce it. That I should stand before you and allow you to tell me how you felt. That I should open my rib-cage to you and ask you to pluck my heart out. That I should tell you those three words that could ruin my life before it even got the chance to start. 

They never tell you the truth about love and depression. The truth is that it hurts. Even when you don't have all the answers yet; it hurts. Even if you're not sure; it hurts. It hurt me to think that you may have felt differently. 

I wouldn't have dared to let the words escape my mind let alone my mouth. My tongue was not allowed to know what such words taste like. 

And so when you gave me the perfect opportunity to tell you I didn't. I allowed the chance to float up and over my head like the steam from your coffee; disappearing into the atmosphere. I ignored it and allowed it to blend with the silence, which for the first time felt awkward. The words would not leave my lips. My tongue was not allowed to know what they taste like.

Six weeks never sounded so long. I had spent the entire morning helping you prepare to leave. We made a checklist together composed of all the things that you were most likely to forget. Toothbrush, phone charger, laptop cord, socks, prescriptions, etc. 

"I think I have everything." You said, as you zippered up your suitcase. 

"You sure?" I asked.

That day felt so so short. I wanted to spend as much time as I could with you before you had to go. I wanted to go for one more walk in the park, one more cup of coffee at the cafe, one more crappy poem before we were separated for six weeks.

I knew we still had the phone. I could still call you at three in the morning and I knew you would answer. But I would miss you in person. I would miss you putting your arm around me without knowing how it made me melt on the inside. I would miss the way your lips curved at the corners when your smile was genuine. I would miss the twinkle in your eyes when we laughed at the modern poets version of being deep. I would miss the scent of you; like old books and warm coffee. You smelt like home.

The drive to the airport felt like seconds. I felt as if I had blinked and we were there. I pouted softly as we pulled up and you unpacked your things. You had given me the trusted task of driving your car back to the dorms. I knew it was nothing, but it made me feel like you trusted me with the world.

I helped you carry a few things into the airport and kept you company as  you waited for your flight to be called. I placed my hand down onto the arm rest that your hand rested on and pretended not to notice once our hands touched. A smile painted my lips as you pretended not to notice as well.

"I'm going to miss you annoying me." I said, playfully. 

You chuckled at that. "Oh yeah?" You said. "I'm going to miss annoying you." You turned towards me. I adjusted myself in my chair to be facing you as well. "It's only six weeks, dork, don't write me a poem just yet."

I rolled my eyes at that and smiled a bit wider. "I already started your poem."

"What's it calls?"

"Six Weeks In." I said on the spot. "It's a tale about a boy and a plane ride." I nodded my head. "Good stuff."

"I bet."

Before I could say anything more your flight was called. I remember feeling sad. You had become more consistent in my life than classes. This was going to be the first time we were apart for such a long time period. I felt as if I was being clingy, even if it was all being internalized. 

We stood to our feet and I handed you the bag I had carried in. I flashed a sad smile before and after hugging you. You looked at me. I mean, really looked at me. Your eyes seemed to be taking mental pictures of me. Remembering my face in that moment.

"What-" my words were stopped by your lips. It was the last thing I had expected. As a matter of fact, I hadn't expected it at all. You took my breath away in that moment. My body taking a second to react. My arms hung by my side; lifeless, as my lips finally kissed you back. I didn't expect our first kiss to be like this. I didn't expect our first kiss at all. 

You broke the kiss, taking your lips and my breath away yet again. You held your bags and peered up at the bored to see what gate you needed to be at; as if nothing had happened. I was like a deer in the headlights. I would have spoken if I didn't fear it would come out sounding like gibberish. 

I drew a deep breath and the first thing out of mouth was just that. A soft breath. It was space where I could have  inserted those words I had been holding onto. Our first kiss followed by my first, I love you, but I was too afraid. 

Instead, I allowed the silence to grow and our time to run out. You gave me a small head nodded as you found your gate and smiled at me.

"See ya on the flip side." You said playfully as I was still trying to act natural.

"Nick," I said. I love you, is what I wanted to say. But in place of that I said, "Why?"

You smirked as you walked backwards. "Just-" your words trailed off as you met the gate. "Because." With that you handed the women your ticket and faded out of sight.