middle of starting over

.o3

"you and me,
we're seamless."

-

Jonah had been avoiding Cyrus all day. He didn't want to talk to him until the end of day. He didn't want to see him until the end of the day. It was hard, knowing what he wanted to ask Cyrus and not knowing how he'd react, if he'd still want to be Jonah's friend or if Jonah would die of embarrassment right there and then.

"Jonah?" A voice pulled him out of his thoughts and he turned to face Andi. He hadn't spoken to Andi since she had broken up with him. Two weeks ago. "Hey, how are you?"

"I'm fine," Jonah lied through his gritted teeth, Jonah was most definitely not fine, "how are you?"

"Good, I'm good."

"That's good." The two stood in the middle of the hallway in an awkward silence, unsure of what to say. "I better get going."

"Jonah, wait!" Andi grabbed Jonah's wrist and turned him back towards her. "I'm really sorry...for the whole breaking up thing, I just," she paused and took a deep breath, "god, this is hard. I guess I'm just not, um, really interested in being in a relationship, and not just with you, with anyone. If that makes any sense at all." Jonah didn't break eye contact with Andi the entire time she spoke, he wanted to understand her. "Jonah?"

"Thanks for telling me," Jonah scratched the back of his, "I kind of thought I might've done something that I wasn't aware I did." 'You're making things all about yourself again, you're so self-absorbed.'  "Sorry, I-"

"Oh my god, no, Jonah, you could never do anything to hurt me." 'Yes I could.'  "We can be friends, right?"

"Yeah, of course Andi." Jonah smiled and Andi brought him to a long hug. They two friends said their good-byes and parted ways. Jonah was relieved, in a single word. He was glad that he hadn't done anything to hurt Andi. He felt happiness peck at his heart but then he remembered that he could still lose someone that he cared about deeply. He could still lose Cyrus; the only person who had never left his side when things got hard, the only person he could FaceTime at three o'clock in the morning and talk to about the most random of things. He could still lose the only person who cared about him unconditionally.

Jonah felt his hands begin to shake. He needed to leave, he needed to get out. The light-haired boy began shake even more as the bell rang and students began to file out of their classrooms  and head to their last class. Jonah tried to wiggle his way through the crowd but he couldn't get out. He felt two hands clasp around his own and pull him out from the crowd of students and into a vacant bathroom. He fell to his knees and the person mirrored him, still holding his hands.

"Jonah!" Cyrus' voice broke through into his mind and Jonah looked up at the boy with his blurred vision. "Jonah, look at me." Jonah couldn't muster enough strength to look at Cyrus, he felt the other boys hands cup his cheeks and he began to calm down, bringing up his hands to wrap them around Cyrus'. The light-haired boy was finally able to make eye contact with other but as soon as he did he broke into sobs, letting all of his emotion pour out in front of the person he trusted the most. He felt arms wrap him into the most powerful hug he had ever been a part of.

Cyrus pulled away from Jonah and reached into his backpack, and pulled out a blue bottle that Jonah was all to familiar with. He watched as Cyrus fiddled with the cap and shook two capsules into his hand and held them out toward him.

"It's anti-anxiety medication," Cyrus informed him, but Jonah had known what it was the moment he pulled them from his bag. Cyrus sighed and picked up Jonah's right hand and dropped the capsules into it, "I carry them around for myself, just in case. I don't really have panic attacks anymore but it's better to be safe than sorry, because when I have a panic attack I get hit hard." Jonah nodded and popped the pills into his mouth, dry swallowing them, to which Cyrus pulled a face. "I don't understand how people do that."

"It's not fun." Jonah rasped, smiling weakly at Cyrus.

"How about we skip that last period?" The black-haired boy suggested, pulling himself to his feet and then reaching his hand toward Jonah, "whaddaya say, Jolamajama?"

Jonah chuckled at the old nickname from back when they were younger and took Cyrus'  hand and got to his feet. "I would love too."

-

Cyrus wasn't sure what he was doing. He had seen Jonah panicking in the hall and wanted to get him out of harm's way. So he thought on his toes and dragged him to the nearest washroom and did his best to calm him down, and it had gone well, which was good. Cyrus had guessed that the other boy wasn't ready to face the reality that was ninth grade science and suggested that they skip out on their last class, which Jonah has agreed. Which led Cyrus to his current situation, walking down the street in an awkward silence with Jonah Beck.

The two boys had left the school and for fifteen minutes it was nothing but silence. Cyrus knew that something had triggered Jonah's panic attack, he didn't know what and because panic attacks could be triggered by personal problems Cyrus was too afraid to ask, knowing that in this state of vulnerability he could easily set off another attack.

"So, you've had panic attacks before?" Jonah asked, finally breaking the silence as the two of them reached the park.

"I had them all of the time when I was younger," Cyrus told Jonah as they found a bench in the deserted part of greenery, "especially after my parents divorce, it was just stressful for me as a ten-year old. I had a choice on who I wanted to live with, my dad wanted to move out of the state and my mom wanted to stay here. I wanted to go with my dad, I really did, but I didn't wanted to leave Andi and Buffy, they were the only stable people in my life. So, I stayed with my mom, biggest regret of my life in the long run, sure, I still had my best friends but at home, it was terrible, it still is, but not as bad as it was. My dad did move back eventually, you know that, he lives right across from you," Jonah nodded, not breaking eye contact. Cyrus looked around awkwardly and scratched the back of his head, "sorry, you did ask for my life story."

"It's fine, Cyrus." Jonah played with bottom of his sweater, "I'm glad I know more about you."

Cyrus smiled. "What's your family like? I've met your dad, but that's it."

"It's fine I guess," the light-haired boy mumbled, "it's just me, my dad and my little sister," Cyrus remembered back in second grade when Jonah's mom had passed away, they hadn't known each other, but the news made it's way around the school. "-he's a great guy, works a lot, but he loves me. My little sister's an absolute angel, she the best I could ask for, honestly."

"She sounds great." Cyrus saw Jonah smile, a real smile, for the first time in a while.

"Yeah, she is."

"Hey, Jonah," The other boy turned towards Cyrus, "what were you going to ask me?"

Cyrus watched as Jonah looked down at his hands, he was lightly scratching at his fingers with his fingernails.

"When did you know you liked guys?"

-

The next chapter won't be uploaded for a few days, as it is not done and I work for the best few days and I can't afford to miss sleep and not go to work.

Hope you guys are enjoying!  

- Ry