My Dear, Deer (EXO-M Luhan Fan-Fiction)

A is for Asinine

   I'd be a fool if I claimed I didn't hurt. I'd be a fool if I were to say that I am not missing you. I'd be a fool if I didn't confess that my mind is continuously immersed in you; brain soaking up every moment we shared. I'd be a fool if I believed what happened on that terrible night wasn't due to me. I'd be a fool if I claimed that I wasn't foolish.

     Sometimes memories of you and I sneak out of my eyes and roll down my cheeks. All I want is for you to kiss me, hold me, set me free. Free from this prison I built using my emotions and past experiences as the mold. I am nothing more than a prisoner of my own mind, but you, my dear dear, control my soul. A master of puppets, a child at heart controlling his action figure. Dear, tell me how it is you have managed to so skillfully play in sync with my heart while your absence is all that remains of you?

     Ah, yes, the familiar absence. This feeling has grown so familiar within me it's almost as if its combined our DNA together. Even now the only words I can ever weakly form and let dance from my dried and swollen lips is that of your name; tears following in suit. What did I do to lose you? Why did you disappear that night? Why, even after all this time, do I still ache deep within my bones?

     Light filtering through the top branches, smelling the composting leaves, crackling branches as I walk through, branches touching above as I walk below them, hidden wonders as I walk around in the forest, green meadow hidden in the folds of the forest, the earthy smell of beginnings and endings in which our life together certainly did begin, but unfortunately ended. 

     In the midst of the green abyss, my eyes fall upon a faint figure in the distance. Fur tanned and silky, antlers a bone color and protruding high and arched into the air, hooves as black as coal, and eyes that were already glued upon me. Tilting my head slightly, a wave of familiarity washes over my body the longer I hold our intense stare. So somber, but soft. Gentle, but striking. Two chocolate orbs embedded into rounded almonds, a small glimmer visible in each as they look upon me curiously.

     Perhaps it was my imagination or even my desperate desire imposing altercations due to my mind's recent vulnerability, but the gentle creature's eyes were an exact replica of Luhan's if he had ever been transformed into a deer. Strange to think, I know, but it was impossible to think otherwise. Even the way in which the creature gazed at me sent shivers down my spine and memories of the time I spent with Luhan flooding back into my memory; tears beginning to sting my eyes not too long after. 

      Soon, I was crouched upon the grass and brush, leaves crunching beneath me as I dropped to my knees. One hand clutching my chest, the other covering my eyes as tears dripped down onto the forest's floor. Sobs began racking my body, my breaths loud and strangled as my heart began hammering its fists against my ribs; the sound resonating in my ears causing me to be deaf to the movement around me. Feeling a warm, wet substance touch my arm, I quickly lifted my head, my line of vision soon engulfed by a tanned fur and tender eyes. 

     "Oh," I spoke as I reeled my head back in shock from the wild animal's abnormal action, "hi there."

     Slowly, I rose back upon my feet, turning on my heel to retreat back to my home, but as I did so, I felt my back being prodded carefully, but surely with an antler. Jumping forward a bit, I turned and faced the animal as it gracefully waltzed up to me; bowing its head as it nudged my hand with its nose. Slowly and cautiously, I began to gently stroke its forehead before moving to scratch behind its petite ears. Leaning into my hand in response to the touches, the deer moved closer to me; pressing itself against my body as I stroked its back a bit before patting it gently.

     "I have to get back home, but I'm sure I'll see you here again," I bit my lip as I gave it one final caress before reeling my hand back, "I'll see you later, boy."

     Stuffing my hands into my pockets, I began my journey back to my home; the crisp sound of crunching leaves and wildlife awakening the once so dull forest. Taking time to savor the peaceful feeling I hadn't felt in God knows long, I tilted my head up to peer at the sky. White wisps of cotton were etched into the light blue canvas of day; the Sun's blaze slowly beginning to die down a bit as the clouds began throwing their puffy bodies upon the ball of fire, leaving a wind to chill the skeletons of trees. Like birds nests in the winter, I am hollow on the inside; a mere misguided bag of bones walking aimlessly upon this Earth. Someone, please, take me back to the time when things were fine for it's all broken now.

      Never did I bother to visit the city anymore --- nature and my rather vigorous garden being my food source and the old, ragged clothes clad to my body and hanging upon hangars within my closet being my material goods. Television no longer interested me, books grew boring, coffee became distasteful, and the rain became peaceful. I am a prisoner of my own mind and while they say that  loneliness is only temporary, I believe it is not. Loneliness is a state of mind, a lifestyle. Very few desire it, but so many fear it. I stand someone in-between those two factors.

      It isn't long before my house becomes visible off in the distance, but for once in the entire travel back to it, I hear crunching of leaves behind me. Quickly spinning on my heel, my line of vision is centered upon absolutely nothing. Well, nothing out of the ordinary from the wonted trees of various shapes and sizes and occasional chirp of hungry baby birds. Shaking my head, I turn back and proceed my travel, but only to halt in my place yet again as the sound re-echoes through the forest; brisk, but smooth. Almost as if the wind itself had managed to grow a pair of legs and began running from area to area repeatedly.

     "Who's there?"

     Silence.

     "I said, 'Who's there?'" I repeat, this time my voice cracking a bit in pitch.

     Noticing the swaying leaves of a nearby bush, I reel back a bit as a pair of hands protrude out from inside; curving slowly as they clasp over the small branches and poky leaves to fan outwards and unveil a face I thought I'd never see again. Skin milky, lips corpulent and a natural shade of pink, eyes gentle and somber, hair a honey tone with bangs that brushed his forehead, I feel the oxygen dissipate from my body as he grins the smile I've missed so achingly; his perfect, white teeth bared.

     "L-L-Luhan?" My words are choked as I take a step forward towards him, but within a blink of an eye, he's gone.

     Shaking my head, I rub my eyes a bit with the palms of my hands before redirecting my attention back to the bush; blinking a bit to clear my eyesight. The honey haired boy is no longer there, but rather the deer I had seen back a few minutes prior. Its eyes gaze at me longingly, soft, but intense. Sable and alluring. I came to a realization that I had hit a new low for I had actually mistaken the deer for Luhan.

     Or...had I? No, no it's absurd --- absolutely insane --- to even for one second wonder if the deer was Luhan. Sure, they may bear the same eyes, but there would be no way in which the human boy I had loved so dearly for all those years suddenly upped and turned into a damn deer --- it's absolutely outrageous. Perhaps I have actually gone mental, it wouldn't surprise me, really. I was already a walking case of paranoia, losing myself after losing you. Then again, maybe I'm not crazy, but just lonely. After all, John Mayer himself even spoke about loneliness being "a hell of a drug." 

     But nonetheless, for me to actually think Luhan transformed into some wild animal --- just --- that's crazy, right? I mean, then again anything is possible. No, no, that's --- that's risible. Right? He didn't turn into a deer, did he? No, no --- but, well, his eyes and the deer's are identical. Then there was also the incident of just seeing Luhan hiding amongst the bushes, but then one second later, disappearing and leaving only the deer there to stare at me rather intensely. No, what am I thinking? Luhan is not a deer nor is the deer Luhan. The deer is just a simple minded animal and Luhan, well, he's --- he's gone..right? 

     Regardless, it's a no-win situation. I'm either a fool for thinking the deer is Luhan or a fool for not. I mean, after all,  "A" is for "asinine."