Way Back Home

Dead Leaves

You're my fifth season,
because even if I try to see you,
I can't

It's been six months.

Six months since Yoongi and Chaerin had their fight. Six months since he decided to audition for an entertainment company. Six months since he'd gotten accepted into Big Hit Entertainment. Six months since he'd heard from Chaerin. And every minute of it was hell.

Well, not every minute. Some things actually weren't too bad.

The company that he'd gotten into, Big Hit, was broke as hell and only had a couple artists signed to it. But the owner was a good man and the other trainee that Yoongi had been introduced to was a pretty cool guy. Kim Namjoon had signed with the company just a few months before Yoongi did. He too was a rapper, one who knew the struggles and hardships that came with performing underground, as he had been born and raised in Ilsan. He was a good rapper and spoke English pretty well, which he used to his advantage in song writing, it added a layer to his music that Yoongi really admired.

Upon introducing the two, the company leader had mentioned something to the effect of a hip hop group, but no definite plans had yet been made. All of this information Yoongi learned over a brief lunch and an hour-long song brainstorming session that had occurred pretty much the first day he'd arrived at Big Hit. Yoongi had to admit that even though he'd never seen himself working for a company, the experience so far was not atrocious, and the people were not as bad as he'd expected.

But despite the good people and the fact that he was finally making music again, Yoongi couldn't help the crippling depression that set in every night when he was left alone. It was easier to pretend like he was perfectly fine during the day, when there were songs to be written and recorded. And Namjoon, with whom Yoongi was now spending the majority of his time, didn't seem to mind that he came off a bit cold at times and wasn't particularly inclined to small talk. But when work was done for the day and Yoongi went back to his company dorm room, that's when the darkness would creep in. Most nights he'd lay in bed and stare up at the blank ceiling, trying to not think about anything, but the questions seeped in anyways.

Where was Chaerin? Was she okay? Why did she leave so suddenly? What was she doing now? Did she ever wonder these same things about him? Was she any closer to becoming an actress? Why couldn't he sleep without her? Did she ever come back to the apartment to see him, only to find that he wasn't there? These were all things that Yoongi had yet to know the answers to, and it was slowly driving him mad.

Sometimes, when the questions grew to be too much for him, Yoongi would leave his bedroom and sit in the little living room and he would write. He would put on his headphones, turn the music up loud enough to drown out his thoughts, and he would write down whatever the hell he was feeling. If he was angry, the lyrics would come out in quick, furious scribbles. If he was depressed, the words would flow in a slow, steady rhythm, one that gave him too much time to stop and think, which was not what he wanted. And on the rare few days when he was feeling okay, the lyrics would pour from his pen in a constant, easy stream of blue ink. No matter what he wrote down, the simple activity of sitting and writing anything was incredibly cathartic.

On this particular night, Yoongi felt alright, albeit tired. So as he lay on the living room couch, he tried not to focus on the friend he had lost, and instead tried to picture the future that she had wanted for him. His music dreams were something that Yoongi had always secretly hoped would come true, Chaerin knew this, and she had always been his biggest supporter. That is, until the day she left. But Yoongi had done what her note had said to; he didn't give up. He went to an audition and now he was part of a company and was on his way to making his dreams a reality. While Yoongi lay there and pictured the bright lights of a concert stage, he tried to enjoy the silence and peace that a nearly empty dorm offered, because it wasn't always so.

Namjoon, who on this night had stayed behind late in their little studio to do some work, snored like a buzz saw when he was asleep. Yoongi was growing used to the noise, but when he'd first moved in he couldn't sleep without first folding a pillow around his head so it would cover his ears and muffle the sound. The only other person he'd ever shared a room with was Chaerin, and while she had a tendency to lay her head on his shoulder so her breath hit right on his ear, she thankfully did not snore. And now, not only was Yoongi having to get used to Namjoon's snoring, but they would be getting a new roommate soon, according to the company leader.

Big Hit was constantly holding auditions, not that people were lining up around the block to get in, but the company wanted new talent, seeing as they only had two trainees at the moment. And just a couple days ago, their boss had informed Yoongi and Namjoon that another guy would be joining their dorm. Jung Hoseok was apparently a dancer and an amateur rapper who had auditioned and gotten into the company. He was also the third potential member of the possible hip hop group that the company leader was possibly organizing. Nothing was set in stone, aside from the fact that the tiny dorm would now be shared amongst three instead of two. Yoongi didn't really mind. He just hoped that the guy wasn't some crazy axe murderer, that wouldn't be too great. But anything else he could probably handle.

Yoongi tried to picture the future: him, Namjoon, the so far faceless Hoseok, and maybe a couple other guys standing on a stage, performing their music. He hoped it would happen. He really wanted it to happen. But for some reason, every time the fantasy came to mind, something was off. The crowd was there, the lights were flashing, there were good people standing next to him. But when he glanced around, something was missing, and he knew exactly who it was. Chaerin wasn't there. She wasn't in the crowd, she wasn't beside him, she wasn't standing backstage smiling and waving. And as soon as Yoongi realized this, the illusion would vanish, every time.

No matter how much he focused, and no matter how hard he tried, the fact of the matter was that Yoongi couldn't picture a future without Chaerin in it.

It was impossible.

Authors Note
I hate having classes. They interfere too much with my writing and I don't like it one bit 😤😤