One More Time

Life As It Was And As It Is

My typical day started out with me waking up around 6:30ish in the morning, getting ready for work, working until around 2ish depending on the day, coming home, and then taking a nap or doing chores around the house, hanging out with my brothers, dinner with the family, and then watching The Office in my room before hitting the hay at around 10ish so I could get up early the next morning and repeat.

This wasn't always my life though, and as much as I am waiting for my break through moment, I really am grateful for where I am in my life at the moment. It used to be me, living with my mom and two younger brothers and sister, moving from place to place, becoming a parent at 11 years old, taking care of my mom and younger siblings. Then, by the grace of God, I was kicked out of my mother's home the summer before my junior year of high school and I lived with my friend Haylie and her family. I stayed with them my junior year of high school and then Haylie's dad, Mr. Johnson, helped me get into contact with my father, who I hadn't seen since I was around 11 years old.

Long story short, ever since my senior year of high school and up until about a year ago, I had been living with my dad and his new wife - my stepmom Alice, my two brothers and 4 stepbrothers. A year ago, when I was 19, I became restless, restless in life, with the people I was hanging out with, with my new family. I didn't have a plan, didn't like where I was at, didn't know where I was going, so I left, to a small town about four hours away, under the pretense that I was going to college out there and transferred to a fast food company where I lived in student housing without actually going to college and just lived paycheck to paycheck.

I did that for about a year until I got tired of it and started missing my family, so I moved back in with my parents and have been here ever since. That whole experience changed me so much. I may still not have a life plan but ever since I moved back, I have felt so different. More grown up at least from being on my own but also just different. More distant from people, especially those I love. I was used to being on my own, at a young age I had so much responsibility placed on my shoulders with no one to help but I had shouldered it all the best that I could and all by myself but moving back in with my parents after being gone for year showed me how much distance I put between myself and others.

I no longer felt alone, I knew I had people that I could rely on, people who would take care of me, namely my dad and step-mom Alice but I felt distant from them, from everyone. When you're alone, that's it, plain and simple, you are alone, but when you're distant, it implies a connection or could be connection with someone that you simply can't or won't allow yourself to feel. Major difference. I wanted so badly to feel comfortable with and connected to my parents, to feel comfortable with and connected to my brothers and stepbrothers, with the new family I had and the people around me, but for some reason I couldn't. I had to hold back. It was my vice and I just couldn't let go.

Back to the present, here I am, in my room listening to music and feeling just as restless as I did a year ago when I moved out of my parent's house. The catch was that I wasn't 19 anymore. I was a year older, a year wiser and I knew I couldn't just go running off into the distance, and as much as I wanted too, I couldn't keep running away from my problems. I needed to be smart, to think, to plan, to live. Problem was, I just didn't know what I wanted to do with my life so here I am. Again, another year older, another year wiser and still in the same place I was a year ago.

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I was lying on bed, staring at the ceiling with my earbuds in, too deep in my music and thoughts to notice my younger brother Cameron walk into my room.

"Charlie."

"Charlie."

"Charlie!"

I jumped, startled by the hand waving in front of my face. "What?" I asked, sitting up and removing my earbuds. "I was just wondering what you were doing." He said, sitting on the bed beside me. "Can I choose a song?" He asked. I scooted over, giving him more room so that we could both sit criss-cross applesauce. Cameron loved listening to music with me. He had become attached to me the last couple of years when things got really bad with my mom, before I left and was told not to come back, before we moved in with my dad. I loved him to death, he was my favorite brother after all, though I would never say that to him.

"Sure dude, why not." I replied, handing him an earbud and my phone. The fact that I would trust him with my phone, which held my most prized possession, my music collection, should show just how much I love him. He started scrolling through my music, waiting for the song I was listening too to end. 

Keep your head up, my love

Keep your head up, my love

Head up, love

Head up, love

That was the only rule I had when it came to listening to music with people, whatever song was playing had to finish through, we did not jump around or skip music if I could help it. The final cords of The Lumineers Stubborn Love played and Cameron chose the next song. It was a song that I had introduced him too a couple months ago, one that we both loved. As the starting notes of Twenty One Pilot's The Judge played, we both sat on my bed, with our backs against walls and sang along. Cameron was someone who I could connect with, he might have been to young to remember or understand what all went on at our mom's house but he understood me and that was all I could ask for.

Na Na Na Na

Oh Oh

Na Na Na Na

Oh Oh

Na Na Na Na

Oh Oh

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Hey guys!

Sorry for the long wait between updates. Got caught up in life and all the crazy things that have been happening. The two songs featured in this chapter are Stubborn Love by The Lumineers and The Judge by Twenty One Pilots. These are two of my favorite bands. If you haven't heard these songs before then you should totally check them out and let me know what you think down below. 

Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and let know what you think of the story so far down below. Thanks for reading!

Best, 

Megan.